Semi Final Reax/Finals Preview

This is architect construction. Who wanna battle the Don? Apollo kids live to spit the real.

Talk of the end of the world has gone out with a whimper as a minor footnote, the only significant piece of evidence of its legacy being an incredibly terrible John Cusack film- doubtful that future history textbooks will even give the topic passing mention. It is now official: not even false Mayan prophecies of the apocalypse can prevent D99 from rightfully claiming fantasy glory.

Unfortunately for Yahoo Public 606206, Unseen's march to the title will not be stopped by the cataclysm

The concluding Week 16 is finally here and the championship round is set as a rematch between D99 and DESTROY JEW BREES. And it's for all the cookies in grandma's cookie jar; all the presents under the Christmas tree; all the marbles in the marble sack; all the chips on the poker table; all the pieces of fruit in the basket; all the pogs and slammers in the stack; all the pokemon in your poke collection, or whatever the fuck have you. It's like machine vs. man, man vs. woman. Woman vs. your mother.  It's gonna be instupituous.

Like a true boss, Unseen feels compelled to mention his personal disappointment with his final foe. DESTROY earned the opportunity for another shellacking mostly due to the fact that Butt Munchers inexplicably replaced his kicker (a kicker, dog?) last week, trading out Minnesota's Blair Walsh (who put up 25 points) for Cleveland's (really?) Phil Dawson (who put up a mere 3 points). Needless to say, if he didn't swap kickers, he would have easily topped the 100 point threshold and soundly defeated DESTROY for a position in the finals against D99. After a very strong regular season as the top scorer in the league, Munchers will be duking it out for 3rd with Nemisis1, who had his title ambitions vaporized by Unseen with the continued help of Adrian Peterson operating on Beast Mode setting.

If ever, one qualified to have accidentally made it to a championship round on the wings of fortunate luck, DESTROY JEW BREES surely fits the bill. As was chronicled in last week's commentary and throughout the campaign, D99 has made no secret about the distortions associated with DESTROY's presence in the playoffs. After last week's victory, his record over the second half of the fantasy season -including playoffs- stands at 3-5, and he has still failed to chart over 100 points. Although he has a good lineup of solid receiving options (B. Marshall, D. Thomas, R. Wayne) DESTROY's squad lacks serious and consistent punch mostly because his top running back selection (MJD) has been sidelined with an injury. Instead, he has been playing Frank Gore and Pierre Thomas. Over the past two weeks, despite the wealth of rb talent on his roster (Peterson, Rice, Charles), Unseen has been snatching up emerging late season backs who have been putting up points (Moreno, D. Williams, D. Wilson)- a deliberate set of defensive maneuvers made to ensure opponents with weak running games like Nemisis1 and DJB aren't handed his crown on the shoulders of a last moment waiver-wire pickup. D99 makes no games of this business. This shit right here is a grown man's sport- ain't no place for accident murderers.

The snowball just keeps rolling downhill and gaining momentum, irregardless of setbacks along the way. Last week served as yet another reminder that Phillip Rivers cannot be trusted, even in proxy, after late season phenom Danario Alexander put up a goose-egg with only three targets against Carolina. Fortunately, plug and play Cincinnati defense came through and delievered on Thursday Night Football as hoped, dropping a solid 23 points. The win was not without drama, however, as Chris Johnson ran for an early 94 yard score in the MNF matchup against a hopeless Jets team. Although they dropped the ball on offense, the Jets D held up in the end (for fantasy purposes, at least). This week, D99 is opting to use the Charger D against 3rd stringer McElroy in New York, anticipating a low scoring offensive matchup featuring two offenses who just can't seem to get their shit together.

Is he crazy for this? Did he just completely disregard his own statements about Rivers in proxy? Or is he mastering the blueprint for defensive use in fantasy football? D99 has already previously demonstrated his prowess on the defensive front. As NFL offenses evolve and trends come and go, adaptation is required in the fantasy game in order to stay ahead of the curve. Not so long ago, the game revolved around workhorse backs, and fantasy seasons could be won and lost solely on the basis of who got one of the first two or three picks in the draft. With the emergence and growing popularity of running back committees, coupled with the evolution of the passing game directly correlated with changes in defensive rules, it is true that the more common NFL offense is now based around use of marquee quarterbacks. It is highly unlikely that a dominant defensive team with combination poor passing/strong running game like the 2000 Ravens will win another Super Bowl any time soon. Consequently, in the fantasy world, it is much more common for QBs to go earlier in drafts, and in the case of this year, even TE's were going in the first/second rounds. Though a top level quarterback like Drew Brees is mos def highly desired, the rarity of workhouse/premier runners like Foster, Peterson, Rice, (and surprisingly) Lynch, and Martin still makes them, by positional comparison, much more valuable an asset for fantasy purposes. It is simply much more common and likely for a QB to score 20 points in a week than it is for a running back. Sacrificing an average of 5-8 points weekly difference at the quarterback position (most likely due to variance as a result in matchup or play conditions) in exchange for 10-12 points at the RB position is an obvious swap any competitor would take. The wild card in the situation is that it is more common for guys like Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Cam Newton, or (now) RGIII to drop high 20's to high 30's than it is for even the top backs in fantasy, especially if their team falls behind early.

Enter the fucking monster of a season Adrian Peterson is putting together (who, by the way, is unquestionably the most valuable player of the NFL this year). Recall that he was taken in the third round after two consecutive RB selections. Then recall the fact that D99 has already elaborated upon the offer he posed to DESTROY JEW BREES in order to solve his Phillip Rivers QB issues. In retrospect, this deal may very well have simultaneously been a season breaker for the Unseen and a season winner for DESTROY if he had taken the offer. Only this week will reveal just how incredibly and ridiculously stupid ignoring the offer was. If All Day puts the nail into the DJB's fantasy coffin with a solid performance against an admittedly insanely difficult Texan run D, he'll only have himself to blame. On the flip side, if Marshall (and Cutler) show up at Arizona, he may be singing a different song, and Drew Brees may or may not dismantle Big D's secondary, which is also in play. Or, in the big picture, will DESTROY JEW BREES be the last of the 2012 sacrifices made to the fantasy football Gods? All of these questions still demand resolution, and leave it up to the championship round to provide it.

Unseen has crafted these jewels in order to more fully and comprehensively depict the DaVinci-like masterpiece of his grand and sweeping statement: Here is your shovel, go ahead and start digging your grave, shark-bait. D99 smelt blood a mile away from day one, and he's done nothing but follow through upon proclamations of his dominance over this here motherfucking jungle. Yal's scent must be so undeveloped that you failed to pick up the markings on the territory. Consequently, if you enter the Tiger's domain, you're gonna be lunch. If you're flying through the Eagle's hood, best believe those feathers gon' get snatched up. If you travel down to the watering hole, don't be surprised to find yourself caught in an alligator's jaws. If you get lost in the tundra, wolves will hunt you down until you get tired of runnin'. If you venture into the cave, a bear's got no choice but to maul you apart. Cross Unseen's path, and you've got no choice but defeat.


Until next week...

End of the Regular Season Reax

Months have passed and seasons have changed. The leaves have fallen from the trees and shit, Thanksgiving turkeys have been carved, and as we approach the Christian holiday the fantasy playoffs are in full gear. And in case yal blockhead fools still haven't put together the X's and O's like those 3rd grade valentines you used to write to your "auntie" or bus driver, D99 has taken another step toward unparalleled fantasy greatness. Unseen has continued to roll down this road with a swagger so obnoxious it has motherfuckers caught up on some envious "what the fuck is that dude on?" shit. D99 flashes them high beams- you get the fuck up out the lane.

Yea, some of these joints be tight, some of these joints be fucked up. At the end of the day though, truth is, these flaky ass competitors are on some sincere phoca vitulina shit. Motherfucking mammals with fur and blubber and flippers and whiskers and webbed feet tryin' to play in the ocean with the real badass fishes. You don't fit in on land, and you get hunted every time you venture into deeper waters. Yal are in the presence of the true Great White, and the rest of these consolation lames just got passed up in favor of a bigger meal- congratulations for playing, now go back to shore and maybe someday you'll be lucky enough to procreate some other weaklings, young pup. It's just the laws of nature. At an earlier period perhaps you'd receive a participation medal or ribbon or somethin', but at least you can rest and take solace in knowing you lost to a true legend.

D99 is on some Planet Earth shit

It hasn't been made easy though- sometimes these pinnipeds make a trill predator like Unseen work for their grub, getting all evasive with the ducking, diving, twirling, and jumping and such. D99 enters the playoffs in the 4th seed on the momentum of a two week win streak with crucial must-wins over Jew Brees and Muddogs. Meanwhile, Sucka failed worse than a sheltered fundamentalist virgin trying to put a condom on a banana in sex ed...consider that imagery. Son, you had so much potential as a foil too. Unseen really wanted you to succeed simply on the basis that it would allow further degradation of your already pitiful condition by way of an insulting playoff victory. You've denied D99 the opportunity to put a cherry on top...which might actually be the best move you've made all season, by the way. Go ahead and crawl back into that cave of obscurity you'd ventured out of: your fantasy career has been assassinated.

Now that the "I just do it for fun" season is over, Unseen did some deep meditation on the shit and came up with a few inspired comments to drop and a few bars to craft drawn from the highest Himalayan spiritual peaks and the holiest shrines containing the seeds of the same bodhi tree the Buddha became blessed under. The type of all-seeing, all-encompassing awareness shit which transcends metaphysical boundaries and manifests itself as an enlightened statement of unity with the entire universe itself. The type of shit written on divine tablets that angels sing to while floating down on puffy white clouds surrounded by doves in flight and laced with a light so powerful it cuts through all darkness and reveals the purity of the soul. The type of shit so absolutely unfathomable and incomprehensible that it could only be expressed mathematically as perfectly balanced and infinite in character. Actually, about 98% of that shit was entirely made up- D99 has got just ONE thing to say to the hate train:

Paired up with D99 in the first elimination game is Nemisis1, aka the team formerly known as Nemisis, which gained the additional digit partway through the season because apparently this dude has FIVE other teams with the same title. And, for the record, every one of the Nemisis squads resides in a public league- so it's not as if the Andy D plethora is due to some sort of competitive/social obligation with his co-workers or friends: he simply chose to make six fantasy football teams. Unseen never fails to find humor in fantasy football players with the combination of excessive league membership and lack of results (see also: sucka). Consider, perhaps, that maybe your pathological commitment to failure is directly due to your inability to make good managerial decisions, and that increasing the number of teams you run WILL NOT increase your probability of winning- especially when your number is pulled for a league with a legitimate monster like D99.

The matchup against Nemisis1 represents the opportunity for a reply to the loss Unseen took in Week 8 while playing with a shorthanded bye-week squad, in addition to starting the San Diego human turnover machine more commonly known by the legal name of Phillip Rivers (who managed, literally, only 154 yards passing week 8). Barnwell had an entertaining writeup of the worst throws of the year a few weeks back, and of course Rivers made the list with this beauty of a pick-6 while playing against Tampa Bay. Needless to say, the ship has since been corrected and the Chi is now in balance. It was nothing a few L's and gut instinct couldn't fix...Rivers has simply failed to live up to any real or fantasy expectations of a "bounce back" from last year's terrible turnover-plagued campaign. In his place now stands Carson Palmer, underrated fantasy producer of patented junk-time tounchdowns, like a poor-man's 2012 QB version of the 2008 Calvin Johnson (the year the Lions went unvictorious). Unseen has been stuck rolling with Palmer due to the fact that multiple teams have legitimate starting-quality quarterbacks they could have traded for profit who are simply sitting on their bench collecting dust (a la DESTROY JEW BREES).

A monster fantasy season, but you wouldn't know it in Yahoo Public 606206

Way back in August, Unseen employed the entirely unconventional draft strategy of taking three straight rbs (Rice, Charles, Peterson) with his first three picks in a public league with no flex position. Somewhere across the planet, the rainforest was being torn down. Mystics began to prophesize the coming of days. Devastating hurricanes materialized in the Gulf, and executives at Pepsi-Cola considered going for broke and bringing back Crystal Pepsi. The Earth was damned near thrown off its axis. Fast forward to Week 15 and the first round of the playoffs, and D99 sits in a comfortable position with three of the top ten backs in fantasy. Coupled with some keen pickups like Danario Alexander, Carson Palmer, and various flavor-of-the-week defenses, his squad appears to be peaking at the right moment. When it all boils down, the essential remaining ingredient which separates the real from the fake is simply the employment of superior personal research and strategy.

In other relevant league news, Butt Munchers was bumped down to the 2nd spot in the last week of the regular season and as a result, faces a matchup against 3rd place DESTROY JEW BREES. Interestingly enough, these two knuckleheads also last faced each other back in week 8 when a strong Doug Martin performance (33.4 pts on 135/1 and 79/1) and typical Tom Brady domination (304/4) allowed Munchers to cruise to an easy 107-73 victory. Unseen has strongly maintained since Week 4 that DESTROY JEW BREES enjoyed the benefit of a creampuff early schedule and sincerely lacked the talent to go the distance. Subsequent facts have proven this position to be correct: Since that Week 8 loss against Butt Munchers, DESTROY has limped into the playoffs by going 2-4 while also failing to score over 100 total points in any week. As a matter of fact, DESTROY has topped the century mark only THREE times over the course of the season, and last accomplished this feat back in Week 5.  As a point of comparison, Butt Munchers has dropped 100+ a record 9 times this season, and also remains the single-week high record holder by virtue of that historic Doug Martin performance back in Week 9. In determining this semi-final pairing, if Butt Munchers matches his weekly average output of 101.52, he'll have assured himself a position to challenge for D99's crown.


Until next week.

Catching Up Reax (Weeks 9-11)

It's time to catch up on some action from the past few weeks, after D99 got caught up chillin with a homeboy lieutenant who came through town. Weeks 9, 10, and 11 are concluded, and the hike to the top of Everest has just reached high altitude base camp. After a close victory over DESTROY JEW BREES and a set back in week 10, Unseen's crew stand poised like expert sherpas ready to guide D99 to the summit. So take your equipment back to the store, Unseen don't wanna hear that weak shit no more.

In regard to the week 9 win,  D99 was pushed to the limit on the Eagles v. Saints Monday Night Football game, all the way down to the last minute. In retrospect, the turning point in the matchup literally hinged upon three plays in the 1st half:

• With Pierre Thomas in DESTROY's lineup, 1st-10 on the Eagles' 10, Brees handed off to Thomas who took it 9 yards and was poised to break the plane for 6 on some nail-in-the-coffin type shit until the Eagles David Sims literally pulled him backward and down at the 1 as Unseen yelled "stop that boy!" at the TV.

Oh so close...

• On the very next play, the Saints ran play action and Brees connected with Colston (who used the referee to find separation from Asomugha) for the 1 yd score. -6 for DESTROY JEW BREES. +6 for D99.
• Lastly, after a beautiful completion dropped into Colston (covered tightly again by Asomugha) to bring N.O. to the Phi 17, Brees fumbled during a sack by the Eagles Brandon Graham, resulting in -2 for DESTROY and giving enough padding to maintain the lead for the win.

All in all, it was a well scripted victory, adding a bit of sting to the bite inflicted upon the then 1st place team, putting the motherfucker in check and clearing the way for D99 to step on up. Why you fools wanna battle with kids with steel tongues? Butt Munchers appears to be hell bent on throwing banana peels in the street trying to slip up the King cruisin on his chopper. No matter. This salad tossin hoe is only prolonging the inevitable- Unseen remains steady crafting bars like jewels to bring to the market and strike it rich with the hardware.

Meanwhile, league standings have been mixing and shuffling and 7 teams remain in the hunt for playoff positions. Jew Brees is back in this bitch- after being matched up for the 2nd time with his arch-rival, he avenged his earlier loss and pressed him flatter than a piece of matzo. Amazingly, autoplay muddogs sits above .500 after stealing a win from Nemisis, a 7-4 squad tied up with DESTROY JEW BREES. D99 got another chance to sucker-punch suckadickasaurus, who actually bothered to update his lineup but still lost by a measly 3 points. The field is now more crowded than clowns in a volkswagen.

It's time to spit some truth to yal space monkeys now that the trade deadline has passed. For three solid weeks, Unseen put up Adrian Peterson and Dwayne Bowe for DESTROY JEW BREES' Peyton Manning and Brandon Marshall. This trade would have resulted in an positive +28 points for DESTROY compared with the +4 points for D99, and DESTROY still didn't have the sense to realize that having Manning on his bench while he is rolling with rbs like Pierre Thomas and Felix Jones (limited shelf life there homie) will not help his cause. What is perhaps most interesting about this situation is the fact that dude didn't even have the balls to respond to the offer. Denying a trade is one thing. Acting like you don't see it altogether is quite another. Look, we know Unseen is on some alpha dog running-the-pack type shit, but where is your manhood yo?

Who snatched that shit?

To begin, the pickup of Peterson alone makes it worth it- especially given the fact that he is on pace for his best season ever.  Secondly, given the shape of your team, you cannot (actually, fuck that- WILL NOT) win a league by denying other teams points through keeping players on your bench. Look, you're simply not in a position to make a call like that given your lack of talent at the most important position in fantasy. AP has the ability to carry your output for BOTH slots on a weekly basis. But you didn't even think about this. If nothing else -really- this was your opportunity to stick it to D99 with a stamp of "denied" and a chance to lay some vicious words into the cut. Instead, let it be known to the world:
 

You did nothing.

Unseen faces off against Stealers Rule this week and stands a good chance to lay a few head shots on the competition and solidify his playoff position- he's already kicking back and enjoying some victory L's and brews. Jew Brees has a tough matchup with Butt Munchers, who has some favorable plays with Doug Martin (ATL at home), C.J. Spiller (at Indy), and Brady at a Revis-less Jets. Sucka pairs against a surging Larry Turner, who looks to be in good shape as long as he plays Dez Bryant over a benched Titus Young, and inserts Minnesota's D off the bye (against a weak Chicago offense) for the Giants D against Green Bay. Nemisis1 might as well be on the bye this week, as he faces empty shell under dogs (autowin kthx), and DESTROY JEW BREES takes on a Gronkowski-less muddogs...both are sure to enjoy their Thanksgiving feasts. Get it while you can.

Until next week bitches.

Week 8 Reax

Battle axe rap. Ain't been like none of these bitches, as far as Unseen can remember. Week 8 finished and another matchup where a QB stunk up the joint. And what a surprise it was- another Phillip Rivers stinkbomb against a hapless Cleveland. One might have given the man a little credit considering the Sunday conditions related to Hurricane Sandy, but not D99. It is time to acknowledge for the moment that this Chargers team is not an early OR midseason squad known for monster fantasy production. The only thing keeping them respectable is the fact they play in such a terrible division.  The NFC west got their shit together 2 seasons ago. Why is the AFC west still sputtering along? Is it because the Chiefs, Chargers, and Raiders are still peeing their pants like it's cool? Could it be that this division simply represents the worst collective management in the NFL?  In the lead up to Thursday night's game with the Chargers and Chiefs in San Diego, Fire Norv Turner was trending on twitter.  The sentiment carried over into the game even when it turned into a rout.

All of this is to say, that despite a 31-13 blowout, Rivers still managed to throw a pick and keep his fantasy production in the mid teens. If the Chargers are going anywhere this year, defense will have to carry them because their QB now has his switch turned on to the "bitch mode" setting. Phillip Rivers, You're Fucking Out. Take a seat.

In other league news, Larry Turner recorded his first win in a convincing blowout over Stealers Rule, being on the receiving end of fine days from Stafford, Crabtree, and Marshawn Lynch. And although it did help that Stealers started two players on bye, Detroit Larrys could potentially morph into a spoiler team given favorable matchups in the next coming weeks for Stafford against Jacksonville, Minnesota, Green Bay (home), and Indy. He runs into Jew Brees this week, who managed to claw his way back to .500 after a .06 point victory over under dogs which ran all the way down to the final whistle in the Monday night game between the Cardinals and 49ers- a game which, by the way, essentially was a snore fest where the biggest highlight was Randy Moss actually catching some passes (and a TD!).

This week, Butt Munchers and Sucka are going to slug it out, after both put up 100 points in week 8. Unseen draws DESTROY JEW BREES after he slid down into second place following a loss to Munchers. The top end of the standings and the coveted playoff spots are still completely up for grabs among 7 different teams, a situation which is due to shake itself out in the coming weeks. As the November 16 trade deadline approaches, the opportunity to swap currency will soon be coming to a close. Time to either put your chips up or stand pat. It is definitely fair to say that EVERY team could make improvements to maximize their scoring potential

Speaking of the parking space holder, DESTROY JEW BREES still hasn't solved his RB crisis with MJD out, still actin' more ignant than the dudes rhymin on "Bandz A Make Her Dance". And since we're on the topic, is there a whacker rapper makin $$s right now than 2 Chainz? Every verse Unseen hears from this dude sounds like some shit the modern-day "Mr. Bojangles" Soulja Boy wrote BEFORE he did "Crank That" and found some fucking clothes that fit. We ain't even mentioned the fact this dude looks like a damn human condor (the female version), or dresses like your aging hipster uncle who listens to the whack music today's teens are copping just so he could say he's "Up On Shit".

2 Chainz on the way to the studio to record another set of weak-ass bars

One phone just ain't enough...

Pretty sure this shit wouldn't even fly during the 80's...

D99 has a feeling 2 Chainz is going to end up being like all these other busted-ass rappers like Fabolous or Chamillionaire or Bow-Wow who REFUSE to go away into obscurity (where they belong) because the 10-13 year old demographic will continue to buy their shit and keep their careers alive. Sort of like the way DESTROY JEW BREES keeps managing to hang around despite the reality that his squad is the fantasy equivalent of the pink slime McDonald's was mixing into their beef to add weight to their burgers. Unseen bout to get his grub on.


Until Next Week.

Mid Season Evaluation

Another week, another progression. Certain fools are still making Unseen's task even easier by essentially forfeiting match ups. Feelin' themselves because they fed on some damned creampuff teams early on and think they can simply cruise to victory. Ain't no cruising on this block homies- unless you ridin' with D99. And D99 doesn't roll with those folks who seem to think winning ain't everything. That's some loser talk yo. Maybe when its all through, yal losers can get together and have a pow-wow around the campfire with your hot dogs and baked beans and marshmallows and chocolate and graham crackers and sticks and ghost stories and shit, and reminisce on those times when you actually mattered because you temporarily occupied a decent position in the standings.

Mmm, these smores sure do make me feel better about failure!

This is that ignorant shit you love. Fuck shit ass hoe ass trick mark ass busted ass punked-out vulture ass fiends. You're elephants lost in the Sahara. You're broke ass '95 Ford Escorts. Weak ass '93 Plymouth Sundance bitches. Just a bunch of actors lookin at yourselves in the mirror backwards.

Seven weeks down, and it's time to drop some bars and evaluate the current mid season situation. In keeping with all honesty and sincerity though, this really is and has been a one horse race. BUT, for the sake of humoring the masses and keeping it interesting, D99 will look down from his throne and give a top-down interpretation on the state of the league. In no particular order.

Nemisis1

Greatest Accomplishment: Successfully avoiding D99 until week 8; only facing D99 once
Power Animal: Snarf
Current Rank: First Circle of Hell

Synopsis: Firstly, did this dude change his name? Like, change his name from Nemisis to Nemisis1, or is Unseen just literally making shit up in order to talk shit? Maybe this real or fictional name change represents the turnaround in league performance. After spending the first few weeks in digital coma, Nemisis resuscitated his fantasy standing, got his shit together, and now resides in playoff contention. Congrats hoe. Go have yourself a mint chocolate chip cookie and some milk.

After dropping a 140 point bomb on Butt Munchers in week 7 curtesy of a ridiculous Chris Johnson performance from who-the-fuck-knows-where, Nemisis might have some steam going forward if, you know, Josh Freeman continues to pass for 400 yards and 3 TDs a week, CJ2K consistently puts up 30 pts, Hakeem Nicks shakes off his injury bug, Percy Harvin doesn't come down with any mysterious migraines, and the Cowboys don't self implode/lose an effective Tony Romo via excessive turnovers or a bitchmade injury. Was it mentioned that dude's best player is the Chicago Bears defense? And you expect to be taken seriously? Fuckouttahere. D99 has eaten burritos bigger than you.

Larry Turner AKA formerly known as THE DETROIT LARRYS

Greatest Accomplishment: Currently on pace to complete the fantasy equivalent of the 2008 Detroit Lions.
Power Animal: Jar Jar Binks
Current Status: Already preparing for next season.

Synopsis: What the hell happened to these Lions this season? After looking semi-legit last year and displaying some potential, they now sit 2-4 in last place in the NFC North. Could it have been a fluke? Is Megatron not the utterly dominant force we believed him to be at the start of the season (16th among WRs)? Was Matthew Stafford overrated at the beginning of the season? Does the team completely lack any semblance of a run game? Is their defense (and squad as a whole) still young, immature, and lacking in veteran leadership? Will they make the playoffs again in the next 20 years? Is Larry truly worthy of insult after being defeated in week 7 by a mere 4 points plus change using fill ins on the bye week?

Truth is, week 7 had been circled on Unseen's calendar since draft day, due to excessive overlap of bye weeks among starters on the roster. Progression through weeks 1-6 very much revolved around preparing and fielding a squad capable of a W in week 7. It just so happened the Larry matchup coincided with this hurdle. It's not your fault Larry. Well, really it is, but you can't be blamed for being a Lions homer. You're just trying to root for your boys. Best believe D99 wants to see you take some wins and break some souls the remainder of the season. Its not too late to blow shit up.

Stealers Rule, under dogs, Muddogs

Greatest Accomplishments: Remaining relevant in the fantasy picture despite never updating their lineups.
Power Animals: Care Bears
Current Location: The netherrealm.

Synopsis: With a combined record of 8-13, this group of whackness personified exists solely to fill the role of spoiler. Given limited success thus far, other players are due to drop games to the crew somewhere along the way- especially after the byes end when their starting lineups will be playing every week. D99 Phillip Rivers already handily succeeded in accomplishing this feat in week 6 when he merely needed to throw for 200 and toss a couple TDs and instead lost 2 fumbles and served up 4 picks in a MNF performance that even had Steven Tyler calling it ugly.

Aaaaand speaking of whack QBs, the implosion of the vaunted Ravens D is just about the biggest blow that could have been dealt to all offensive Raven players. It is already well established that they are terrible on the road. Now, without their defensive core to fall back on for possession play, this team's contender status is in pure jeopardy- and not getting the ball to Ray Rice consistently is only further hurting their chances. Falling behind early seems as though it will be the trend going forward for this squad, and if this is the case, Rice's value/upside has essentially been halfed. All of this is to say it is good to have depth at the RB positions. 

But getting back to these busters, teams best be on the lookout going forward. Make sure you take your W's when you can get them- the next few weeks.

Jew Brees

Greatest Accomplishment: Clawing his way out of fantasy exile to force opponents to think twice about not setting their lineups against him.
Power Animal: Sacrificial Goat
Preferred Drink: Malibu Barbie

Synopsis: The record has been spun a few times by Unseen- after starting the season among the pile of recyclables that had been thrown out with the regular trash (on purpose? accident?), Jew Brees scored a major victory and has been on a roll since. Statistically speaking, he should have better odds at making a run at a playoff spot than underdogs, based on the fact that he actually updates and makes moves. He has a few assets, and though he lacks an RB with a punch, Vincent Jackson has been on a murder spree lately...and it just might continue: colder than a teenager playing Grand Theft Auto that boy is right now. A very underrated pick indeed, and this goes without saying it carried some considerable risk. 

Jew Brees has favorable matchups the next two weeks (underdogs, Larry Turner), then starts around on the second swing back through the tougher part of his schedule. If he can win 3 of the next 4, and avenge his loss against DESTROY JEW BREES earlier this season, he'll have put in enough work to warrant serious attention as a contender for second place.

DESTROY JEW BREES

Biggest Accomplishment: Not losing to Jew Brees...
Power Animal: A weak zebra on the Serengeti
Current Rank: The Private in charge of cleaning the barracks bathroom toilets with his toothbrush.

Synopsis: First off, Reggie Wayne has exactly 666 yards in 6 games this season. If that is not an omen, Unseen is unsure what else could be. Secondly, DESTROY JEW BREES could be facing a serious crisis in the coming weeks with an MJD injury- out indefinitely, no timetable for return ("3-4 games" says he)...and the fool doesn't have the fucking sense to pickup Rashad Jennings when his other options at RB are Kevin "Now-you-see-me-now-you-don't" Smith and Pierre "Third Saint in RB pecking order" Thomas. Dog, must you be smacked? Does Iceberg Slim need to be resurrected and transported back to 1950 just to pimp-slap some sense into your head? Does Kazaam need to materialize out of your late 1980's boombox with the tape deck and stomp your ass like a Pepsi can while talking in perpetual rhyme scheme? Does "fantasy guru" Matthew Berry need to call your house and tell you to wake the fuck up? You know what? Forget it son, do you.

Just know D99 is lurking like a croc waiting to bust your shit wide open. Go ahead bro, take that dip. Take the sip- the true predators enjoy the hunt. Unseen still maintains your wins are shit and truthfully speaking, your competition has been bitching out worse than Upham did in Saving Private Ryan. In all seriousness they're handing you a playoff spot so you can have your hopes shattered by a true G. Have fun with your dollar-store squad, clownalingus Rex.

Sucka

Biggest Accomplishment: Being the butt of every joke.
Power Animal: Inflatable Sex Sheep
Current Location: The gaping black hole of Lindsay Lohan's vagina.

Synopsis: In case the connection was not clear enough, that Saving Private Ryan reference was talking about you, captain flaccid. Unseen is convinced that Sucka's conflicts about his sexual orientation have also manifested itself among his fantasy performance. Son can't decide whether he's taking it or trying to give it. Following a 4 game win streak, he willingly allowed himself to get bent over and fucked by DESTROY JEW BREES, and D99 doesn't mean this in some glorious victory type shit- like conquering, colonizing, and missionary fucking type shit. No, kid got beat by ~50 points, and the victor only put up 93. Sucka gave it up, got beat AND set the league record for lowest points scored in a matchup AND largest margin of defeat, on some "Man, I got these cheeseburgers man, I'll suck yo diiiiick" type shit. On some behind the mail truck finger lickin' good type shit.

No pride brah. I hope you're not taking after your mother. If you were in nWo they'd fucking boot your sorry stank ass out the clique...oh wait a second, they actually DID.

 

Matter of fact, you in the corner now son. You on time-out now kid. Don't stare at anything except the crevice where the walls meet. Make sure you study that shit intently. First you wanna get your little game on with your nursery rhymes and shit, and then you proceed to allow one of your opponents to snowplow you? Dog, that shit is disgraceful.

Butt Munchers

Biggest Accomplishment: Winning week 1
Power Animal: Sloth
Current Status: Still stuck in the shadow of D99's throne

Synopsis: Butt Munchers recently picked up an Unseen castoff in Randall Cobb, a player drafted by the Don but dropped for a bye-week fill in. Munchers seems very willing to ride the Packer passing game through the bye week session. D99 is high on the stock of Cobb, who will continue to see targets, playing time, and points as long as Greg Jennings continues to be sidelined, a story which won't seem to go away. The disappearance of Jermichael Finley certainly hasn't hurt his cause either (wasn't he talking shit on Jimmy Graham and Rob Gronkowski earlier in the year?). On another interesting note, this is a contract year for Jennings, and even though he's not likely to leave the Pack, this situation is obviously not helping his future paycheck.

Unseen believes Muncher's record is an accurate reflection of the performance of his team. There is lights-out killer potential on the squad, but large question marks remain about nearly every player except Tom Brady. None are exactly known as established fantasy heroes, but Jordy Nelson is picking up and Doug Martin is emerging as a quite solid poor man's MJD. Torrey Smith is going to be as good as dead the rest of the season, but might still be playable at certain home games. This is a decent but mostly unspectacular and basically boring group.

D99 is eagerly awaiting the week 10 matchup so he can drop the hammer down like the motherfucking blacksmith he is. Butt Munchers is low like all the rest, still lookin up, but he needs to be put back into his place...and even though Larry Turner has last pretty much wrapped up, Butt Munchers has the distinct privilege of getting his shit fucked up late in the season, when wins mean just a little bit more with shit on the line. No doubt, Unseen will get on his Joe Pesci Casino shit with the pen. He will kill you, commit suicide, and kill you again.


Until next week, D99 is astro travellin.

Week 5 Reax

Fuck the luck shit, strictly aim. Haters need to recognize this is domination by design- realize that you won't be fucking with this. Weak ass, merked ass dudes comin back around saying shit about the prose like the ownage is gonna stop. Is you crazy?

Dudes like Sucka remind Unseen of kids-who-got-picked-last-at-sports-in-the-park type shit. Like they're in the game, but just barely. They might think they are on something serious, but they're really more like the helplessly uncoordinated, un-athletic chubby kid who-eats-too-many-oreos and his mom forced the other kids to include him in the game type shit. You dudes are tribute to the GOD. Yal are such bitches, Dave Matthews sweet talks you out of your panties while you're home alone. Watching The Notebook makes you wet. You bitches keep chocolate in your man-purse to help cope with your cycle.

On the league tip, week 5 is done and finished and a situational logjam has manifested over 3rd position. As the bye week series continues, Butt Munchers and Larry meet in a shitshow special after both were crushed in their last matchups by Underdogs and DESTROY JEW BREES, respectively. Butt Muncher's marquee players have serious matchups issues with Brady at Seattle (kryptonite for opposing teams), Nelson at Houston (solid pass D), and Torrey Smith against Dallas coming off the bye. With Jimmy Graham out on bye week, Larry Turner may indeed be celebrating his coveted 1st win come Monday night. Rounding things out, D99 grabbed a W over Muddogs while Nemisis took a loss, and Jew Brees continued to climb out of his hole for the second week in a row with a win against Stealers Rule. Unseen has drawn underdogs after lifting his average weekly point total to 104 while simultaneously facing the 3rd most fantasy points against over this beginning 5 week stretch. A quick glance at the record book reveals some (slightly) advanced statistics related to progress so far: D99's weekly rushing output average is tops in the league, as is his receiving yards average and seasonal total, despite not drafting ANY receiver in the first 3 rounds. Fuck records, fuck your nursery rhymes; Unseen is crafting jewels from the shit you overlooked like a motherfucking wizard performing alchemy.

Butt Muncher's collection of rb's can't stand up to the Revolution

The Unseen flow is about to enter the prime, and all praise is due to the value-based drafting manifesto and strength of schedule analysis. He hasn't even been entertaining these whack-ass trade offers comin his way like peasants begging for food in the fields. On some DMX stop bein' greedy type shit. Yal ain't eatin like this. Butt Munchers offered up his whole team trying to get a taste of Jamaal Charles because his crew of flunkies assigned the running back position just ain't cutting it. Nemisis is experiencing the same crisis and he turned to Unseen for help hoping for a diagnosis, but all he ended up coming away with was a busted ass Rashard Mendenhall plucked from the waiver wire. D99 has been fielding so many trade requests he acquired a series of underlings to draft creative memo denial responses while he worked on the solution to solve the world's energy crisis. This shit is just too crazy to be fabricated.

One thing which is still left to be explained is just why the NFL celebrates breast cancer awareness month, out of all the possible humanitarian issues and causes they could take up. D99 thinks it happens to be a strategic excuse for these grown ass men to wear pink, in some sort of effort to draw away from the hyper masculinity of the sport itself. Like it's alright for men to wear pink, especially football players- it humanizes and sensitizes the individuals on the field to cater toward the females among a typically male dominated audience. What a fucking joke. Apply the situation to real life: those dudes that go out in pink polos are always unquestionably bitches, and it doesn't matter what they look like. This shit is entirely twisted backwards- like reclaiming pink and wearing the shit (which, technically, doesn't really have too many appropriate matches) is some sort of bold ass statement about your manhood. Here's a bold ass statement about your manhood: stop letting females determine your color palate. If the color of your shirt best matches a woman's nail polish, you should kill that shit right away, bag it up, and bring it to your nearest Salvation Army.

D99 could talk some shit on underdogs, but the digital vacant space ain't worth the time spent to craft this sentence. And really, neither is trolling on this bullshit (what the fuck is this?). Bill Bellamy what have you done lately? Man, they killed MTV Beach House in '93. What fucking cave hole in Fraggle Rock have you been hiding out in? You should have stayed there brah. Don't nobody want your lame ass jokes, let alone your mug staring them in the face when they log onto their fantasy leagues. It's not even humorous enough to draw a condescending Joe Biden laugh. On the other hand, these limp wristed league busters talkin shit just might be. Realize.

Until next week.

Week 4 Reax

Holy Contributing To The Delinquency of Minors...Look who climbed out of the depths of fantasy irrelevance to conjure up a rainstorm during the fucking parade. Jew Brees has officially anointed himself as most unpredictable, putting up a record 120 offensive points (132 total) one week after setting the record for least amount of points scored in a week (58). Is this the beginning of a turnaround, or is Jew Brees destined to live out his season as the feast-famine candidate? Only time will tell.

Roddy White exploded with a monster day (169, 2 TDs) as Atlanta charged 99 yards in less than one minute to steal the win against inept Carolina. The Panthers made so many bonehead mistakes in the final minute, it's like a "who's who" list of late game football errors including:

• Fumbling on what would have been a game-ending first down (Carolina recovered)
• Punting on 4th and 1 in ATL territory when a first down would seal the game (1 minute left)
• Stacking the box on the Falcon's subsequent 1st offensive play, instead of playing prevent D and dropping into coverage
• Defensive pass interference on Julio Jones for a large gain
• Allowing uncontested consecutive passes to the sidelines to close out the game and grant ATL field goal positioning for the game winning kick as time expired

Considering the play of their starters in preseason, as well as the pickup of Mario Williams, it is still hard to comprehend why this Buffalo D is as awful as it is...unless of course you consider the fact that they are Buffalo, one of those teams that just can't quite shake the shit stink off themselves regardless of what they do. The matchup with the Patriots turned into a blowout fairly early, with Ridley having a big day through a specific game plan designed to exploit the Bills nickel package. This helps to explain why Ridley was such a win last week, but likely can't be counted upon to dominate week to week even though one could argue the Pats don't utilize him as much as they probably should.

In the Chiefs-Chargers game, KC followed the Buffalo-stank blueprint (albeit in their own trademark fashion) and did virtually everything they could to give the game away via 3 INTS and 3 fumbles, including 2 very early ones by Jamaal Charles. Make no mistake- this quickly became a character game for Charles, and he stepped up with a nasty 34 yard TD where he reversed the play (got a block from Cassel?!) and took it to the house harder than this dude did the security guards in an urban sprint. He ended up delivering 19 points after logging negative stats early with his turnovers. All this leads toward saying this dude is the real deal and could end up as the next great Chiefs back as long as he doesn't get taken out again.

In other news, the first debate of the 2012 Presidential campaign aired, and Unseen is really uncertain as to why the media tried to build this up to be the next Kennedy-Nixon face-off (evidence here). Nearly every article covering the debate (pre/post) gave the obligated nod to the first televised debate ever, but was this due more to unrealistic attempts to make a character comparisons between participants, or an indication of overwhelming lack of substance when it comes to critically evaluating presidential debates? There truly is a severe shortage of parallels between the 1960 and 2012 races. In the aforementioned Atlantic article, the author suggests you evaluate winners and losers in the debate by putting your T.V. on mute as you watch. If this isn't a straight forward concession that the comments of the participants largely don't matter, D99 is no longer sure what else would be. And this author is supposed to be a political pundit?

The real memorable moment of the debate was the admission that Romney would pursue cutting federal funding for moderator Lehrer's job and attempt to kill Big Bird if elected president. The internet has already taken over. A bit more attention to the implications behind this comment reveal his proposed cuts won't kill Sesame Street, which survives largely on corporate funding. What he will kill is money (.00012% of the federal budget) used to support the smaller, more rural-based public broadcast stations which air PBS shows on television and NPR on the radio- schedules composed largely of education-based programing. But no matter- all you need to walk away from the debate thinking about is who literally looked the best. Even dictionary.com is emphasizing body-language observation during the debates...as if advising people to suspend critical thinking wasn't reinforced in society enough already.

In fantasy updates around the league, Butt Munchers enjoyed the benefit of another sorry ass showing by winning a blowout over muddogs. Stealers took a loss from sucka, having an incomplete roster which happened to be even more terrible than his opponent's. DESTROY JEW BREES continued a win streak over underdogs, and Larry Turner lost (again) to Nemisis. Heading into bye week #2, the league absentees still have unfilled lineups and are doing their best 2012 women's olympic badminton impressions. Rest of the year projections hold Stealers to finish 1st with a record of 11-3 (aka 10-0 the rest of the way). Stranger things have happened.

Unseen is set to lineup against Muddogs, who will be without the statistical services of Megatron and Tony Romo. Muddogs is so sad D99 is going to instead spend his time heaping some hate upon DESTROY JEW BREES, who must feel pretty good right about now as he holds a parking space for D99's throne.

You've got one last week of cakewalk before matching up against the real in weeks 6, 8, 9, and 10, a stretch which includes Nemisis, Butt Munchers, Unseen, and Stealers. 330 points against so far is pathetic. Minor league shit. Your 4-0 is fucking popcorn muscles bitch. Strength of schedule is the only thing keeping hope afloat for you right now, and though you might take one from Larry Turner, you're plain silly if you think you will win on the back of busted ass Frank Gore. That injury is coming soon boy: check the record.

D99 is going to get his.

Until next week.