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| Mmm, these smores sure do make me feel better about failure! |
Seven weeks down, and it's time to drop some bars and evaluate the current mid season situation. In keeping with all honesty and sincerity though, this really is and has been a one horse race. BUT, for the sake of humoring the masses and keeping it interesting, D99 will look down from his throne and give a top-down interpretation on the state of the league. In no particular order.
Nemisis1
Power Animal: Snarf
Current Rank: First Circle of Hell
Synopsis: Firstly, did this dude change his name? Like, change his name from Nemisis to Nemisis1, or is Unseen just literally making shit up in order to talk shit? Maybe this real or fictional name change represents the turnaround in league performance. After spending the first few weeks in digital coma, Nemisis resuscitated his fantasy standing, got his shit together, and now resides in playoff contention. Congrats hoe. Go have yourself a mint chocolate chip cookie and some milk.
After dropping a 140 point bomb on Butt Munchers in week 7 curtesy of a ridiculous Chris Johnson performance from who-the-fuck-knows-where, Nemisis might have some steam going forward if, you know, Josh Freeman continues to pass for 400 yards and 3 TDs a week, CJ2K consistently puts up 30 pts, Hakeem Nicks shakes off his injury bug, Percy Harvin doesn't come down with any mysterious migraines, and the Cowboys don't self implode/lose an effective Tony Romo via excessive turnovers or a bitchmade injury. Was it mentioned that dude's best player is the Chicago Bears defense? And you expect to be taken seriously? Fuckouttahere. D99 has eaten burritos bigger than you.
Larry Turner AKA formerly known as THE DETROIT LARRYS
Power Animal: Jar Jar Binks
Current Status: Already preparing for next season.
Synopsis: What the hell happened to these Lions this season? After looking semi-legit last year and displaying some potential, they now sit 2-4 in last place in the NFC North. Could it have been a fluke? Is Megatron not the utterly dominant force we believed him to be at the start of the season (16th among WRs)? Was Matthew Stafford overrated at the beginning of the season? Does the team completely lack any semblance of a run game? Is their defense (and squad as a whole) still young, immature, and lacking in veteran leadership? Will they make the playoffs again in the next 20 years? Is Larry truly worthy of insult after being defeated in week 7 by a mere 4 points plus change using fill ins on the bye week?
Truth is, week 7 had been circled on Unseen's calendar since draft day, due to excessive overlap of bye weeks among starters on the roster. Progression through weeks 1-6 very much revolved around preparing and fielding a squad capable of a W in week 7. It just so happened the Larry matchup coincided with this hurdle. It's not your fault Larry. Well, really it is, but you can't be blamed for being a Lions homer. You're just trying to root for your boys. Best believe D99 wants to see you take some wins and break some souls the remainder of the season. Its not too late to blow shit up.
Stealers Rule, under dogs, Muddogs
Power Animals: Care Bears
Current Location: The netherrealm.
Synopsis: With a combined record of 8-13, this group of whackness personified exists solely to fill the role of spoiler. Given limited success thus far, other players are due to drop games to the crew somewhere along the way- especially after the byes end when their starting lineups will be playing every week.
Aaaaand speaking of whack QBs, the implosion of the vaunted Ravens D is just about the biggest blow that could have been dealt to all offensive Raven players. It is already well established that they are terrible on the road. Now, without their defensive core to fall back on for possession play, this team's contender status is in pure jeopardy- and not getting the ball to Ray Rice consistently is only further hurting their chances. Falling behind early seems as though it will be the trend going forward for this squad, and if this is the case, Rice's value/upside has essentially been halfed. All of this is to say it is good to have depth at the RB positions.
But getting back to these busters, teams best be on the lookout going forward. Make sure you take your W's when you can get them- the next few weeks.
Jew Brees
Power Animal: Sacrificial Goat
Preferred Drink: Malibu Barbie
Synopsis: The record has been spun a few times by Unseen- after starting the season among the pile of recyclables that had been thrown out with the regular trash (on purpose? accident?), Jew Brees scored a major victory and has been on a roll since. Statistically speaking, he should have better odds at making a run at a playoff spot than underdogs, based on the fact that he actually updates and makes moves. He has a few assets, and though he lacks an RB with a punch, Vincent Jackson has been on a murder spree lately...and it just might continue: colder than a teenager playing Grand Theft Auto that boy is right now. A very underrated pick indeed, and this goes without saying it carried some considerable risk.
Jew Brees has favorable matchups the next two weeks (underdogs, Larry Turner), then starts around on the second swing back through the tougher part of his schedule. If he can win 3 of the next 4, and avenge his loss against DESTROY JEW BREES earlier this season, he'll have put in enough work to warrant serious attention as a contender for second place.
DESTROY JEW BREES
Power Animal: A weak zebra on the Serengeti
Current Rank: The Private in charge of cleaning the barracks bathroom toilets with his toothbrush.
Synopsis: First off, Reggie Wayne has exactly 666 yards in 6 games this season. If that is not an omen, Unseen is unsure what else could be. Secondly, DESTROY JEW BREES could be facing a serious crisis in the coming weeks with an MJD injury- out indefinitely, no timetable for return ("3-4 games" says he)...and the fool doesn't have the fucking sense to pickup Rashad Jennings when his other options at RB are Kevin "Now-you-see-me-now-you-don't" Smith and Pierre "Third Saint in RB pecking order" Thomas. Dog, must you be smacked? Does Iceberg Slim need to be resurrected and transported back to 1950 just to pimp-slap some sense into your head? Does Kazaam need to materialize out of your late 1980's boombox with the tape deck and stomp your ass like a Pepsi can while talking in perpetual rhyme scheme? Does "fantasy guru" Matthew Berry need to call your house and tell you to wake the fuck up? You know what? Forget it son, do you.
Just know D99 is lurking like a croc waiting to bust your shit wide open. Go ahead bro, take that dip. Take the sip- the true predators enjoy the hunt. Unseen still maintains your wins are shit and truthfully speaking, your competition has been bitching out worse than Upham did in Saving Private Ryan. In all seriousness they're handing you a playoff spot so you can have your hopes shattered by a true G. Have fun with your dollar-store squad, clownalingus Rex.
Sucka
Power Animal: Inflatable Sex Sheep
Current Location: The gaping black hole of Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Synopsis: In case the connection was not clear enough, that Saving Private Ryan reference was talking about you, captain flaccid. Unseen is convinced that Sucka's conflicts about his sexual orientation have also manifested itself among his fantasy performance. Son can't decide whether he's taking it or trying to give it. Following a 4 game win streak, he willingly allowed himself to get bent over and fucked by DESTROY JEW BREES, and D99 doesn't mean this in some glorious victory type shit- like conquering, colonizing, and missionary fucking type shit. No, kid got beat by ~50 points, and the victor only put up 93. Sucka gave it up, got beat AND set the league record for lowest points scored in a matchup AND largest margin of defeat, on some "Man, I got these cheeseburgers man, I'll suck yo diiiiick" type shit. On some behind the mail truck finger lickin' good type shit.
No pride brah. I hope you're not taking after your mother. If you were in nWo they'd fucking boot your sorry stank ass out the clique...oh wait a second, they actually DID.
Butt Munchers
Power Animal: Sloth
Current Status: Still stuck in the shadow of D99's throne
Synopsis: Butt Munchers recently picked up an Unseen castoff in Randall Cobb, a player drafted by the Don but dropped for a bye-week fill in. Munchers seems very willing to ride the Packer passing game through the bye week session. D99 is high on the stock of Cobb, who will continue to see targets, playing time, and points as long as Greg Jennings continues to be sidelined, a story which won't seem to go away. The disappearance of Jermichael Finley certainly hasn't hurt his cause either (wasn't he talking shit on Jimmy Graham and Rob Gronkowski earlier in the year?). On another interesting note, this is a contract year for Jennings, and even though he's not likely to leave the Pack, this situation is obviously not helping his future paycheck.
Unseen believes Muncher's record is an accurate reflection of the performance of his team. There is lights-out killer potential on the squad, but large question marks remain about nearly every player except Tom Brady. None are exactly known as established fantasy heroes, but Jordy Nelson is picking up and Doug Martin is emerging as a quite solid poor man's MJD. Torrey Smith is going to be as good as dead the rest of the season, but might still be playable at certain home games. This is a decent but mostly unspectacular and basically boring group.
D99 is eagerly awaiting the week 10 matchup so he can drop the hammer down like the motherfucking blacksmith he is. Butt Munchers is low like all the rest, still lookin up, but he needs to be put back into his place...and even though Larry Turner has last pretty much wrapped up, Butt Munchers has the distinct privilege of getting his shit fucked up late in the season, when wins mean just a little bit more with shit on the line. No doubt, Unseen will get on his Joe Pesci Casino shit with the pen. He will kill you, commit suicide, and kill you again.
Until next week, D99 is astro travellin.
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