Mid Season Evaluation

Another week, another progression. Certain fools are still making Unseen's task even easier by essentially forfeiting match ups. Feelin' themselves because they fed on some damned creampuff teams early on and think they can simply cruise to victory. Ain't no cruising on this block homies- unless you ridin' with D99. And D99 doesn't roll with those folks who seem to think winning ain't everything. That's some loser talk yo. Maybe when its all through, yal losers can get together and have a pow-wow around the campfire with your hot dogs and baked beans and marshmallows and chocolate and graham crackers and sticks and ghost stories and shit, and reminisce on those times when you actually mattered because you temporarily occupied a decent position in the standings.

Mmm, these smores sure do make me feel better about failure!

This is that ignorant shit you love. Fuck shit ass hoe ass trick mark ass busted ass punked-out vulture ass fiends. You're elephants lost in the Sahara. You're broke ass '95 Ford Escorts. Weak ass '93 Plymouth Sundance bitches. Just a bunch of actors lookin at yourselves in the mirror backwards.

Seven weeks down, and it's time to drop some bars and evaluate the current mid season situation. In keeping with all honesty and sincerity though, this really is and has been a one horse race. BUT, for the sake of humoring the masses and keeping it interesting, D99 will look down from his throne and give a top-down interpretation on the state of the league. In no particular order.

Nemisis1

Greatest Accomplishment: Successfully avoiding D99 until week 8; only facing D99 once
Power Animal: Snarf
Current Rank: First Circle of Hell

Synopsis: Firstly, did this dude change his name? Like, change his name from Nemisis to Nemisis1, or is Unseen just literally making shit up in order to talk shit? Maybe this real or fictional name change represents the turnaround in league performance. After spending the first few weeks in digital coma, Nemisis resuscitated his fantasy standing, got his shit together, and now resides in playoff contention. Congrats hoe. Go have yourself a mint chocolate chip cookie and some milk.

After dropping a 140 point bomb on Butt Munchers in week 7 curtesy of a ridiculous Chris Johnson performance from who-the-fuck-knows-where, Nemisis might have some steam going forward if, you know, Josh Freeman continues to pass for 400 yards and 3 TDs a week, CJ2K consistently puts up 30 pts, Hakeem Nicks shakes off his injury bug, Percy Harvin doesn't come down with any mysterious migraines, and the Cowboys don't self implode/lose an effective Tony Romo via excessive turnovers or a bitchmade injury. Was it mentioned that dude's best player is the Chicago Bears defense? And you expect to be taken seriously? Fuckouttahere. D99 has eaten burritos bigger than you.

Larry Turner AKA formerly known as THE DETROIT LARRYS

Greatest Accomplishment: Currently on pace to complete the fantasy equivalent of the 2008 Detroit Lions.
Power Animal: Jar Jar Binks
Current Status: Already preparing for next season.

Synopsis: What the hell happened to these Lions this season? After looking semi-legit last year and displaying some potential, they now sit 2-4 in last place in the NFC North. Could it have been a fluke? Is Megatron not the utterly dominant force we believed him to be at the start of the season (16th among WRs)? Was Matthew Stafford overrated at the beginning of the season? Does the team completely lack any semblance of a run game? Is their defense (and squad as a whole) still young, immature, and lacking in veteran leadership? Will they make the playoffs again in the next 20 years? Is Larry truly worthy of insult after being defeated in week 7 by a mere 4 points plus change using fill ins on the bye week?

Truth is, week 7 had been circled on Unseen's calendar since draft day, due to excessive overlap of bye weeks among starters on the roster. Progression through weeks 1-6 very much revolved around preparing and fielding a squad capable of a W in week 7. It just so happened the Larry matchup coincided with this hurdle. It's not your fault Larry. Well, really it is, but you can't be blamed for being a Lions homer. You're just trying to root for your boys. Best believe D99 wants to see you take some wins and break some souls the remainder of the season. Its not too late to blow shit up.

Stealers Rule, under dogs, Muddogs

Greatest Accomplishments: Remaining relevant in the fantasy picture despite never updating their lineups.
Power Animals: Care Bears
Current Location: The netherrealm.

Synopsis: With a combined record of 8-13, this group of whackness personified exists solely to fill the role of spoiler. Given limited success thus far, other players are due to drop games to the crew somewhere along the way- especially after the byes end when their starting lineups will be playing every week. D99 Phillip Rivers already handily succeeded in accomplishing this feat in week 6 when he merely needed to throw for 200 and toss a couple TDs and instead lost 2 fumbles and served up 4 picks in a MNF performance that even had Steven Tyler calling it ugly.

Aaaaand speaking of whack QBs, the implosion of the vaunted Ravens D is just about the biggest blow that could have been dealt to all offensive Raven players. It is already well established that they are terrible on the road. Now, without their defensive core to fall back on for possession play, this team's contender status is in pure jeopardy- and not getting the ball to Ray Rice consistently is only further hurting their chances. Falling behind early seems as though it will be the trend going forward for this squad, and if this is the case, Rice's value/upside has essentially been halfed. All of this is to say it is good to have depth at the RB positions. 

But getting back to these busters, teams best be on the lookout going forward. Make sure you take your W's when you can get them- the next few weeks.

Jew Brees

Greatest Accomplishment: Clawing his way out of fantasy exile to force opponents to think twice about not setting their lineups against him.
Power Animal: Sacrificial Goat
Preferred Drink: Malibu Barbie

Synopsis: The record has been spun a few times by Unseen- after starting the season among the pile of recyclables that had been thrown out with the regular trash (on purpose? accident?), Jew Brees scored a major victory and has been on a roll since. Statistically speaking, he should have better odds at making a run at a playoff spot than underdogs, based on the fact that he actually updates and makes moves. He has a few assets, and though he lacks an RB with a punch, Vincent Jackson has been on a murder spree lately...and it just might continue: colder than a teenager playing Grand Theft Auto that boy is right now. A very underrated pick indeed, and this goes without saying it carried some considerable risk. 

Jew Brees has favorable matchups the next two weeks (underdogs, Larry Turner), then starts around on the second swing back through the tougher part of his schedule. If he can win 3 of the next 4, and avenge his loss against DESTROY JEW BREES earlier this season, he'll have put in enough work to warrant serious attention as a contender for second place.

DESTROY JEW BREES

Biggest Accomplishment: Not losing to Jew Brees...
Power Animal: A weak zebra on the Serengeti
Current Rank: The Private in charge of cleaning the barracks bathroom toilets with his toothbrush.

Synopsis: First off, Reggie Wayne has exactly 666 yards in 6 games this season. If that is not an omen, Unseen is unsure what else could be. Secondly, DESTROY JEW BREES could be facing a serious crisis in the coming weeks with an MJD injury- out indefinitely, no timetable for return ("3-4 games" says he)...and the fool doesn't have the fucking sense to pickup Rashad Jennings when his other options at RB are Kevin "Now-you-see-me-now-you-don't" Smith and Pierre "Third Saint in RB pecking order" Thomas. Dog, must you be smacked? Does Iceberg Slim need to be resurrected and transported back to 1950 just to pimp-slap some sense into your head? Does Kazaam need to materialize out of your late 1980's boombox with the tape deck and stomp your ass like a Pepsi can while talking in perpetual rhyme scheme? Does "fantasy guru" Matthew Berry need to call your house and tell you to wake the fuck up? You know what? Forget it son, do you.

Just know D99 is lurking like a croc waiting to bust your shit wide open. Go ahead bro, take that dip. Take the sip- the true predators enjoy the hunt. Unseen still maintains your wins are shit and truthfully speaking, your competition has been bitching out worse than Upham did in Saving Private Ryan. In all seriousness they're handing you a playoff spot so you can have your hopes shattered by a true G. Have fun with your dollar-store squad, clownalingus Rex.

Sucka

Biggest Accomplishment: Being the butt of every joke.
Power Animal: Inflatable Sex Sheep
Current Location: The gaping black hole of Lindsay Lohan's vagina.

Synopsis: In case the connection was not clear enough, that Saving Private Ryan reference was talking about you, captain flaccid. Unseen is convinced that Sucka's conflicts about his sexual orientation have also manifested itself among his fantasy performance. Son can't decide whether he's taking it or trying to give it. Following a 4 game win streak, he willingly allowed himself to get bent over and fucked by DESTROY JEW BREES, and D99 doesn't mean this in some glorious victory type shit- like conquering, colonizing, and missionary fucking type shit. No, kid got beat by ~50 points, and the victor only put up 93. Sucka gave it up, got beat AND set the league record for lowest points scored in a matchup AND largest margin of defeat, on some "Man, I got these cheeseburgers man, I'll suck yo diiiiick" type shit. On some behind the mail truck finger lickin' good type shit.

No pride brah. I hope you're not taking after your mother. If you were in nWo they'd fucking boot your sorry stank ass out the clique...oh wait a second, they actually DID.

 

Matter of fact, you in the corner now son. You on time-out now kid. Don't stare at anything except the crevice where the walls meet. Make sure you study that shit intently. First you wanna get your little game on with your nursery rhymes and shit, and then you proceed to allow one of your opponents to snowplow you? Dog, that shit is disgraceful.

Butt Munchers

Biggest Accomplishment: Winning week 1
Power Animal: Sloth
Current Status: Still stuck in the shadow of D99's throne

Synopsis: Butt Munchers recently picked up an Unseen castoff in Randall Cobb, a player drafted by the Don but dropped for a bye-week fill in. Munchers seems very willing to ride the Packer passing game through the bye week session. D99 is high on the stock of Cobb, who will continue to see targets, playing time, and points as long as Greg Jennings continues to be sidelined, a story which won't seem to go away. The disappearance of Jermichael Finley certainly hasn't hurt his cause either (wasn't he talking shit on Jimmy Graham and Rob Gronkowski earlier in the year?). On another interesting note, this is a contract year for Jennings, and even though he's not likely to leave the Pack, this situation is obviously not helping his future paycheck.

Unseen believes Muncher's record is an accurate reflection of the performance of his team. There is lights-out killer potential on the squad, but large question marks remain about nearly every player except Tom Brady. None are exactly known as established fantasy heroes, but Jordy Nelson is picking up and Doug Martin is emerging as a quite solid poor man's MJD. Torrey Smith is going to be as good as dead the rest of the season, but might still be playable at certain home games. This is a decent but mostly unspectacular and basically boring group.

D99 is eagerly awaiting the week 10 matchup so he can drop the hammer down like the motherfucking blacksmith he is. Butt Munchers is low like all the rest, still lookin up, but he needs to be put back into his place...and even though Larry Turner has last pretty much wrapped up, Butt Munchers has the distinct privilege of getting his shit fucked up late in the season, when wins mean just a little bit more with shit on the line. No doubt, Unseen will get on his Joe Pesci Casino shit with the pen. He will kill you, commit suicide, and kill you again.


Until next week, D99 is astro travellin.

Week 5 Reax

Fuck the luck shit, strictly aim. Haters need to recognize this is domination by design- realize that you won't be fucking with this. Weak ass, merked ass dudes comin back around saying shit about the prose like the ownage is gonna stop. Is you crazy?

Dudes like Sucka remind Unseen of kids-who-got-picked-last-at-sports-in-the-park type shit. Like they're in the game, but just barely. They might think they are on something serious, but they're really more like the helplessly uncoordinated, un-athletic chubby kid who-eats-too-many-oreos and his mom forced the other kids to include him in the game type shit. You dudes are tribute to the GOD. Yal are such bitches, Dave Matthews sweet talks you out of your panties while you're home alone. Watching The Notebook makes you wet. You bitches keep chocolate in your man-purse to help cope with your cycle.

On the league tip, week 5 is done and finished and a situational logjam has manifested over 3rd position. As the bye week series continues, Butt Munchers and Larry meet in a shitshow special after both were crushed in their last matchups by Underdogs and DESTROY JEW BREES, respectively. Butt Muncher's marquee players have serious matchups issues with Brady at Seattle (kryptonite for opposing teams), Nelson at Houston (solid pass D), and Torrey Smith against Dallas coming off the bye. With Jimmy Graham out on bye week, Larry Turner may indeed be celebrating his coveted 1st win come Monday night. Rounding things out, D99 grabbed a W over Muddogs while Nemisis took a loss, and Jew Brees continued to climb out of his hole for the second week in a row with a win against Stealers Rule. Unseen has drawn underdogs after lifting his average weekly point total to 104 while simultaneously facing the 3rd most fantasy points against over this beginning 5 week stretch. A quick glance at the record book reveals some (slightly) advanced statistics related to progress so far: D99's weekly rushing output average is tops in the league, as is his receiving yards average and seasonal total, despite not drafting ANY receiver in the first 3 rounds. Fuck records, fuck your nursery rhymes; Unseen is crafting jewels from the shit you overlooked like a motherfucking wizard performing alchemy.

Butt Muncher's collection of rb's can't stand up to the Revolution

The Unseen flow is about to enter the prime, and all praise is due to the value-based drafting manifesto and strength of schedule analysis. He hasn't even been entertaining these whack-ass trade offers comin his way like peasants begging for food in the fields. On some DMX stop bein' greedy type shit. Yal ain't eatin like this. Butt Munchers offered up his whole team trying to get a taste of Jamaal Charles because his crew of flunkies assigned the running back position just ain't cutting it. Nemisis is experiencing the same crisis and he turned to Unseen for help hoping for a diagnosis, but all he ended up coming away with was a busted ass Rashard Mendenhall plucked from the waiver wire. D99 has been fielding so many trade requests he acquired a series of underlings to draft creative memo denial responses while he worked on the solution to solve the world's energy crisis. This shit is just too crazy to be fabricated.

One thing which is still left to be explained is just why the NFL celebrates breast cancer awareness month, out of all the possible humanitarian issues and causes they could take up. D99 thinks it happens to be a strategic excuse for these grown ass men to wear pink, in some sort of effort to draw away from the hyper masculinity of the sport itself. Like it's alright for men to wear pink, especially football players- it humanizes and sensitizes the individuals on the field to cater toward the females among a typically male dominated audience. What a fucking joke. Apply the situation to real life: those dudes that go out in pink polos are always unquestionably bitches, and it doesn't matter what they look like. This shit is entirely twisted backwards- like reclaiming pink and wearing the shit (which, technically, doesn't really have too many appropriate matches) is some sort of bold ass statement about your manhood. Here's a bold ass statement about your manhood: stop letting females determine your color palate. If the color of your shirt best matches a woman's nail polish, you should kill that shit right away, bag it up, and bring it to your nearest Salvation Army.

D99 could talk some shit on underdogs, but the digital vacant space ain't worth the time spent to craft this sentence. And really, neither is trolling on this bullshit (what the fuck is this?). Bill Bellamy what have you done lately? Man, they killed MTV Beach House in '93. What fucking cave hole in Fraggle Rock have you been hiding out in? You should have stayed there brah. Don't nobody want your lame ass jokes, let alone your mug staring them in the face when they log onto their fantasy leagues. It's not even humorous enough to draw a condescending Joe Biden laugh. On the other hand, these limp wristed league busters talkin shit just might be. Realize.

Until next week.

Week 4 Reax

Holy Contributing To The Delinquency of Minors...Look who climbed out of the depths of fantasy irrelevance to conjure up a rainstorm during the fucking parade. Jew Brees has officially anointed himself as most unpredictable, putting up a record 120 offensive points (132 total) one week after setting the record for least amount of points scored in a week (58). Is this the beginning of a turnaround, or is Jew Brees destined to live out his season as the feast-famine candidate? Only time will tell.

Roddy White exploded with a monster day (169, 2 TDs) as Atlanta charged 99 yards in less than one minute to steal the win against inept Carolina. The Panthers made so many bonehead mistakes in the final minute, it's like a "who's who" list of late game football errors including:

• Fumbling on what would have been a game-ending first down (Carolina recovered)
• Punting on 4th and 1 in ATL territory when a first down would seal the game (1 minute left)
• Stacking the box on the Falcon's subsequent 1st offensive play, instead of playing prevent D and dropping into coverage
• Defensive pass interference on Julio Jones for a large gain
• Allowing uncontested consecutive passes to the sidelines to close out the game and grant ATL field goal positioning for the game winning kick as time expired

Considering the play of their starters in preseason, as well as the pickup of Mario Williams, it is still hard to comprehend why this Buffalo D is as awful as it is...unless of course you consider the fact that they are Buffalo, one of those teams that just can't quite shake the shit stink off themselves regardless of what they do. The matchup with the Patriots turned into a blowout fairly early, with Ridley having a big day through a specific game plan designed to exploit the Bills nickel package. This helps to explain why Ridley was such a win last week, but likely can't be counted upon to dominate week to week even though one could argue the Pats don't utilize him as much as they probably should.

In the Chiefs-Chargers game, KC followed the Buffalo-stank blueprint (albeit in their own trademark fashion) and did virtually everything they could to give the game away via 3 INTS and 3 fumbles, including 2 very early ones by Jamaal Charles. Make no mistake- this quickly became a character game for Charles, and he stepped up with a nasty 34 yard TD where he reversed the play (got a block from Cassel?!) and took it to the house harder than this dude did the security guards in an urban sprint. He ended up delivering 19 points after logging negative stats early with his turnovers. All this leads toward saying this dude is the real deal and could end up as the next great Chiefs back as long as he doesn't get taken out again.

In other news, the first debate of the 2012 Presidential campaign aired, and Unseen is really uncertain as to why the media tried to build this up to be the next Kennedy-Nixon face-off (evidence here). Nearly every article covering the debate (pre/post) gave the obligated nod to the first televised debate ever, but was this due more to unrealistic attempts to make a character comparisons between participants, or an indication of overwhelming lack of substance when it comes to critically evaluating presidential debates? There truly is a severe shortage of parallels between the 1960 and 2012 races. In the aforementioned Atlantic article, the author suggests you evaluate winners and losers in the debate by putting your T.V. on mute as you watch. If this isn't a straight forward concession that the comments of the participants largely don't matter, D99 is no longer sure what else would be. And this author is supposed to be a political pundit?

The real memorable moment of the debate was the admission that Romney would pursue cutting federal funding for moderator Lehrer's job and attempt to kill Big Bird if elected president. The internet has already taken over. A bit more attention to the implications behind this comment reveal his proposed cuts won't kill Sesame Street, which survives largely on corporate funding. What he will kill is money (.00012% of the federal budget) used to support the smaller, more rural-based public broadcast stations which air PBS shows on television and NPR on the radio- schedules composed largely of education-based programing. But no matter- all you need to walk away from the debate thinking about is who literally looked the best. Even dictionary.com is emphasizing body-language observation during the debates...as if advising people to suspend critical thinking wasn't reinforced in society enough already.

In fantasy updates around the league, Butt Munchers enjoyed the benefit of another sorry ass showing by winning a blowout over muddogs. Stealers took a loss from sucka, having an incomplete roster which happened to be even more terrible than his opponent's. DESTROY JEW BREES continued a win streak over underdogs, and Larry Turner lost (again) to Nemisis. Heading into bye week #2, the league absentees still have unfilled lineups and are doing their best 2012 women's olympic badminton impressions. Rest of the year projections hold Stealers to finish 1st with a record of 11-3 (aka 10-0 the rest of the way). Stranger things have happened.

Unseen is set to lineup against Muddogs, who will be without the statistical services of Megatron and Tony Romo. Muddogs is so sad D99 is going to instead spend his time heaping some hate upon DESTROY JEW BREES, who must feel pretty good right about now as he holds a parking space for D99's throne.

You've got one last week of cakewalk before matching up against the real in weeks 6, 8, 9, and 10, a stretch which includes Nemisis, Butt Munchers, Unseen, and Stealers. 330 points against so far is pathetic. Minor league shit. Your 4-0 is fucking popcorn muscles bitch. Strength of schedule is the only thing keeping hope afloat for you right now, and though you might take one from Larry Turner, you're plain silly if you think you will win on the back of busted ass Frank Gore. That injury is coming soon boy: check the record.

D99 is going to get his.

Until next week.