Week 1 Reax

First off, fuck is up with this automated fantasy recap system? Shit damn near blew my mind- it even incorporates a bit of basic level analysis/comparison with sit/starts and league scores in other matchups. This game just keeps getting easier and easier for the knuckleheads to grasp what the hell is going on. I remember having to go to obscure or local coverage sites, or message boards, just to get news or basic stats, or having to do the running math of your points while the day went on. Players likely remember you used to have to BUY stat tracker just to get live updates on Sunday. Now they got some random ass company telling you who to play and doing your own post match data. Yahoo got trade analysis just in case you can't figure out whether you should make a swap based on bye weeks. The competitive element has gone more plush than your grandmother's toilet seat. With a side of Angel Soft.

In other news, football is now rolling. Chips are falling, preseason speculation is starting to materialize, and Falcons fans are already talking Super Bowl after their stomping of the perennial black-sheep stepchild KC Chiefs (what else is new? x2). Unseen still maintains these dirty birds might put up points, and shit, they might even make the playoffs, but they sure as hell aren't getting past their first postseason match-up. Irrelevant to fantasy yes, news to NFC South pundits no.

D99 suffered a minor disappointment in the week 1 draw against the Buttmunchers, with Tom Brady being Tom Brady, the Texans D shutting down the pitiful Dolphins, and Pierre Garcon going the distance for the longest fucking touchdown of his career. Are you shitting me? Saints fans likely saw this type of thing coming after a horrific preseason featuring a Drew Brees holdout, a coaches ban, and the defensive unit basically doing its best Lisa Sparxxx lay-back-and-fuck-me impression. The D can't get much worse there. Owners of any Saints players will reap benefits- every game is going to be a shootout. Brees could very well break his own record during a losing season.

Speaking of the Saints, Sunday's game featured a colossal moment of table turning which damn near caused spontaneous head combustion. 3rd and 7 (2nd quarter) at the Washington 38, Brees hit the typically sure-handed Colston on a post route, who instantly appeared to be headed for paydirt, until he fumbled into the end zone, flanked behind by Jimmy Graham, who very nearly fell on the ball, only to have it roll out of the back of the end zone for a touch back. It was an instant fantasy horror classic. Negative points for fumble, only to be almost recovered by an opponent's player, only to roll out of bounds for no points at all. Unquestionably a game changer and undoubtedly the sound of the bell tolling early on the weekly match up.

Butt munchers is looking like a real motherfucking competitor here. Unseen might be inclined to take him a bit more seriously if he had a championship trophy in his case, but until that day (likely never), like our man Bill Clinton said, even a broken clock is right twice a day. He's up against Stealers Rule, a squad that despite putting up 107, still lost to a ridiculous 137 thrown up by DESTROY JEW BREES, who, with both Drew Brees and Peyton Manning, has a big decision to make about his QB this week. D99 senses a vintage Peyton Manning performance at Atlanta on MNF, the kind of stage that was built for the aw shucks ol' man with the bionic neck. Denver may not win, but Manning will shine.
 
In other matchups, Nemisis scored a win against Jew Brees with a respectable 94, while LARRY began his losing streak against autobot muddogs and a mean 121. Jew Brees suffered a serious setback with the injury to Fred Jackson, a draft pick which personally impressed, so it will be interesting to see how he adapts. Handcuff C.J. Spiller is solidly stuck in the asscheeks clutches of Buttmunchers. Sucka dug out a W against a pathetic outing by under dogs, who in name and action seems to be very quickly taking up the predicted role indeed. Astonishingly, not a single waiver pickup following week 1 except Ogletree, who may or may not be the next Laurent Robinson replacement plug n play. The jury is still out. We all know Unseen's feelings about Cowboys.

Sucka is next up on the fantasy platter, a team who had the pleasure of being draftday bitch and picking after D99. There seems to be certain doubt about his lineup this week. His mother must be too busy with his semen-crusted tube socks to set his lineup for him. Hey Sucka, what did the five fingers say to the face?

 

You are about to get slapped up.

Forfeits are always accepted. It's ok. No one will judge you. Just for you, this next track goes out to your squad and your sorry ass RB2s.

Until next week.