Week 3 Reax

The motherfucking show continues. Ain't no monkeys stoppin no slaughter. The roach is never dead.

D99 is climbing up through the rankings and ducking obstacles like Mario in Donkey Kong. Week 3 is through and shit is starting to settle out. After two straight weeks of havok and the largest blowouts, the standings are correcting themselves. All is well with the cosmos. Well, not for everyone. It is clearly time for Larry Turner and Jew Brees to shake things up. 0-3 is pushing the red button on making moves. The bye weeks have begun (Colts, Steelers), so the flakers and perpetrators are about to be exposed.

After the atrocity that was MNF (seriously, 8 sacks for Seattle?!), these scabs replacement refs are due to be walking out the door. It is funny to consider how the union busting American agenda is about to get its ass handed to it by a bunch of referees. While manufacturers and laborers are getting fucked over left and right (that is, if their jobs haven't already been outsourced) and teachers (and their unions) are getting blamed for all of society's ills, the guys in stripes in charge of our Sunday spectacle are about to win a serious pissing contest against the man through use of collective action. The NFL is such a huge business you'd think they would consider taking care of the people that run the show in the first place. Everybody is eatin. Why you trying to fuck things up?

On the fantasy front, take a look at the top tight ends three weeks in:

Vernon Davis
Tony Gonzalez
Heath Miller
Martellus Bennett
Jimmy Graham
Kyle Rudolph
Dennis Pitta
Rob Gronkowski
Brent Celek
Scott Chandler

Right on the heels of the god damned year of the tight end. Guess how many of these guys are on FA? After blowing 2nd round picks on the glorified blockers, it's time for everyone to come back down to Earth. This ultimately is and has been a position you count on for your bonus points. Your TEs will never carry you to glory; it is a position of comparative value. No doubt, having a 2011 Gronk or Graham is a big boost, but you can't draft expecting that production even if we are in the midst of a so-called tight end revolution. You knuckleheads need to realize Unseen keeps his ear to the ground. There are two huge historical factors counteracting what was seen last year (as elaborated upon by Bill Barnwell in mid August):

1. Defenses are due to adjust schemes as teams copycat the TE-heavy offense
2. Even the greatest tight ends had a short shelf life relative to their wide receiver peers, with exceptions like once-in-a-generation talents like Gonzalez and Antonio Gates

But, those extra TDs do help out from time to time though.

Speaking of tight ends, most argued a Hernandez injury would bolster Gronk's value, but Unseen doesn't feel that noise. The Pats O still isn't clicking (but it ain't bad either), most likely due to the change over in the offensive line. Receptions and targets are still up for grabs here, and don't forget they've got the easiest schedule in the NFL. This team still has Juggernaut Status written all over it- only a matter of time until they get there, just like its only a matter of time until Lloyd starts hauling in scores in bunches.

While the Buffalo D still hasn't come to fruition, that O-line is like plug-n-play with their rbs. Fred Jackson is returning, complicating a mix that was paying big dividends for Butt Munchers. Whether Jackson is a viable option for Jew Brees this week is solely up to him, but his rbs are looking thin otherwise. With Bradshaw back and some favorable matchups for his dynamite receivers, Muddogs is ripe for a W over Butt Munchers, who has stooped so low as to employ Cards backup Ryan Williams (everyone's sleeper pick in 2010) after the annual and inevitable Beanie "I eat shit" Wells injury occurred (hell you thinking?). Munchers is prepping for the move back down the standings where he belongs. DESTROY JEW BREES is also looking vulnerable for the first time this season with Wayne on the bench (great value pick), but he's got some favorable draws for his other shit WRs with Manningham at the Revis-less Jets and Santana Moss at Tampa Bay. And oh yea, he's playing absentee owner underdogs who currently has two starters on bye this week. It's gonna be a creampie special there.

In other absentee news Sucka is still sticking with Roy Helu as his rb2 even after he was declared basically out for the season. It may not matter much though. Stealers is playing Mike Wallace despite being on bye...what the fuck is the world coming to? We got kids starvin in Africa, global warming fucking shit up, oil and chemical dispersants still comin out the ass in the Gulf, and fools making 8 fantasy football teams just so they can not bother to pay any fucking attention to them. Yal though I was joking about all that too...

From what nether region of the intarwebs do these dudes come from? Who the fuck birthed these digital mongoloids into existence? Out of what crevice between beastiality and tonka trucks has this foul anonymous turd sprang? Unseen is beginning to believe Sucka meant to do a bunch of mock drafts but accidentally ended up doing the real thing 8 times because he was too stupid to figure the shit out.

Jew Brees is next up on the slaughter buffet special AKA the red carpet to championship walkway AKA pleasure cruise to fantasy gold leisurely stroll, and D99 is looking forward to feasting on the matzah ball soup that is his hodgepodge patchwork fantasy team of has-beens and never-will-be's. Seeing as how he is currently 0-3, other more pressing matters have been occupying Unseen's attention, such as trimming the hedges, learning how to do shadow puppets, mastering the rock/paper/scissors technique, and monitoring the socio-political climate in the Middle East. In no particular order, pop snot. Do yourself a favor and save yourself the suspense by benching your lineup before Sunday. It's not going to matter anyway.

Until next week.

Week 2 Reax

A word to the weak: You Can't Stop The Bum Rush. Unseen is back after laying a slap on Sucka worse than his mother did the time he cursed at her when he was 8. On another note, some weak ass punk bitch(es) made attempts to shut down the Smack, claiming this pulitzer prose to be spam. Aside from the fact that this was a flagrant violation of man laws 2, 6, and 32 ("don't be a bitch", "don't hate on someone doin it bigger than you", and "don't hate the player, hate the game"), there is definitely no stopping this train- irregardless of what ever personal feelings of inadequacy are aroused from the subconscious. D99 spits a complex venom.

You need to understand something: this is Newton's first law. An object in motion will remain in motion at the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. You hater bitches ain't that unbalanced force. Unseen's forward inertia is so strong it can't be stopped. When he takes his hands off the wheel the shit corrects itself. Haters trying to throw up roadblocks will get steamrolled. Gator don't play no shit.

Week 2 in the books and Sucka dropped a turd worse than Harry did in the broken toilet upstairs the night Lloyd gave him laxative before his date with Mary. The stank was so foul it was like he actually ate that dog's asshole and had his fantasy team shit it out into cyberspace. He failed worse than this guy. D99 thinks Sucka deliberately forfeited the match up ahead of time by playing Jennings when he was listed as out. Or maybe those other 8 fantasy teams have fucked his whole shit up. In either case, his contender status is officially erased from the books.

NFL's 2nd week brought the inevitable to the forefront: these replacement refs aren't going to cut it. It's really more about how much longer this will carry on. These boys can't control players on the field, let alone make calls consistently according to the actual rulebook. There were some true fuck ups Sunday to go along with a slew of fists thrown by players in front of refs with no penalties called either way. This was across multiple games, and the media is still not saying enough about it, despite the post game talk after Monday night. Steve Young was absolutely right about what he said. The NFL recognizes its product and knows it really doesn't matter in the end- they could have the worse refs in the world and we'd still watch. Probably.

Currently, the Giants have put a wrap on the Panthers in Carolina. Andre Brown doin his best C.J. Spiller impression with Bradshaw out, and he's sitting on waivers right now. The Giants on the road are beasts. What is truly bizarre is how the Cards are 2-0 after the upset at Foxboro. What is not bizarre at all is how much Cleveland sucks. Chicago got smacked up in Green Bay in a boring ass game that was really a great piece of evidence in argument of the position that Thursday night football is garbage. Plus the shit is shown on NFL network; it's not even a prime time station or network. Really, after combining play quality with the overall marketing strategy, it's almost like they're saying "who gives a fuck?" and holding the finger up to all marginal fans of the game. As in, the ones that watch and enjoy football but haven't or don't want to make the additional commitment to a specific package. Which by the way is likely 75% of fans. Now, if you got your NFL network as part of regular package, good for you. Overall, this is a testament to both the quality of this game and just how poorly the league can market itself while still raking in the dough and completely getting away with it.

In league news DESTROY JEW BREES snagged another win over his nemesis Jew Brees with a solid win. Unseen can't lie- he was really hoping Jew Brees would channel his inner Stigglitz / Bear Jew and knock one out of the park. He'll have another chance later on in the season. Meanwhile, Under dogs claimed victory over a seriously under performing Detroit Larrys while Nemisis (who came to life and is makin moves) slid by Muddogs by just under 3 points. Larry has Sucka this week, and could very well bag his first W. Rounding out the week, Butt munchers got dropped by another merciless high scoring performance from Stealers Rule, who actually was rewarded and won the matchup, leading to a face-off with D99 this week. So far his Panthers have underperformed. Whether the use of "stealers" instead of "steelers" is a deliberate pun or a very careless misspelling is yet to be determined. Until it is, contender status for runner up is still up in the air. Twain probably said it best: "The best swordsman in the world doesn’t need to fear the second best swordsman in the world; no, the person for him to be afraid of is some ignorant antagonist who has never had a sword in his hand before; he doesn’t do the thing he ought to." Either way Unseen plans to demolish just him just like this Russian did Larry and Mike.

Until next week.

Week 1 Reax

First off, fuck is up with this automated fantasy recap system? Shit damn near blew my mind- it even incorporates a bit of basic level analysis/comparison with sit/starts and league scores in other matchups. This game just keeps getting easier and easier for the knuckleheads to grasp what the hell is going on. I remember having to go to obscure or local coverage sites, or message boards, just to get news or basic stats, or having to do the running math of your points while the day went on. Players likely remember you used to have to BUY stat tracker just to get live updates on Sunday. Now they got some random ass company telling you who to play and doing your own post match data. Yahoo got trade analysis just in case you can't figure out whether you should make a swap based on bye weeks. The competitive element has gone more plush than your grandmother's toilet seat. With a side of Angel Soft.

In other news, football is now rolling. Chips are falling, preseason speculation is starting to materialize, and Falcons fans are already talking Super Bowl after their stomping of the perennial black-sheep stepchild KC Chiefs (what else is new? x2). Unseen still maintains these dirty birds might put up points, and shit, they might even make the playoffs, but they sure as hell aren't getting past their first postseason match-up. Irrelevant to fantasy yes, news to NFC South pundits no.

D99 suffered a minor disappointment in the week 1 draw against the Buttmunchers, with Tom Brady being Tom Brady, the Texans D shutting down the pitiful Dolphins, and Pierre Garcon going the distance for the longest fucking touchdown of his career. Are you shitting me? Saints fans likely saw this type of thing coming after a horrific preseason featuring a Drew Brees holdout, a coaches ban, and the defensive unit basically doing its best Lisa Sparxxx lay-back-and-fuck-me impression. The D can't get much worse there. Owners of any Saints players will reap benefits- every game is going to be a shootout. Brees could very well break his own record during a losing season.

Speaking of the Saints, Sunday's game featured a colossal moment of table turning which damn near caused spontaneous head combustion. 3rd and 7 (2nd quarter) at the Washington 38, Brees hit the typically sure-handed Colston on a post route, who instantly appeared to be headed for paydirt, until he fumbled into the end zone, flanked behind by Jimmy Graham, who very nearly fell on the ball, only to have it roll out of the back of the end zone for a touch back. It was an instant fantasy horror classic. Negative points for fumble, only to be almost recovered by an opponent's player, only to roll out of bounds for no points at all. Unquestionably a game changer and undoubtedly the sound of the bell tolling early on the weekly match up.

Butt munchers is looking like a real motherfucking competitor here. Unseen might be inclined to take him a bit more seriously if he had a championship trophy in his case, but until that day (likely never), like our man Bill Clinton said, even a broken clock is right twice a day. He's up against Stealers Rule, a squad that despite putting up 107, still lost to a ridiculous 137 thrown up by DESTROY JEW BREES, who, with both Drew Brees and Peyton Manning, has a big decision to make about his QB this week. D99 senses a vintage Peyton Manning performance at Atlanta on MNF, the kind of stage that was built for the aw shucks ol' man with the bionic neck. Denver may not win, but Manning will shine.
 
In other matchups, Nemisis scored a win against Jew Brees with a respectable 94, while LARRY began his losing streak against autobot muddogs and a mean 121. Jew Brees suffered a serious setback with the injury to Fred Jackson, a draft pick which personally impressed, so it will be interesting to see how he adapts. Handcuff C.J. Spiller is solidly stuck in the asscheeks clutches of Buttmunchers. Sucka dug out a W against a pathetic outing by under dogs, who in name and action seems to be very quickly taking up the predicted role indeed. Astonishingly, not a single waiver pickup following week 1 except Ogletree, who may or may not be the next Laurent Robinson replacement plug n play. The jury is still out. We all know Unseen's feelings about Cowboys.

Sucka is next up on the fantasy platter, a team who had the pleasure of being draftday bitch and picking after D99. There seems to be certain doubt about his lineup this week. His mother must be too busy with his semen-crusted tube socks to set his lineup for him. Hey Sucka, what did the five fingers say to the face?

 

You are about to get slapped up.

Forfeits are always accepted. It's ok. No one will judge you. Just for you, this next track goes out to your squad and your sorry ass RB2s.

Until next week.

TheUnseen Draft Response and Pre-season Rankings

The league is now on jacked up mode. Hijacked: Yahoo Public 606206. You may have believed you were joining some random (casual?) yahoo-based fantasy football league, but instead what you got is the opportunity to be publicly-stomped and devoured by a MF'in FF monster. You are now all seasonal human sacrifices. TheUnseen came to wreck and smash. That is what he intends to do. Legendary smack and unparalleled victory is the expectation. The rep grows bigga.

To get this ball rollin', D99's draft response will take a few moments to touch on a few different key events from draft day.

Pre-Draft: TheUnseen previously decided to avoid drafting any Dallas players as the price of drafting all Cowboys is inflated in the mind of the don. None were present in his predraft rankings, and none were chosen. He also threw on the classics with bump and got high as a motherfucker.

Early Rounds: Several played it safe with QBs as first picks, all except the Detroit Larrys, who took (gasp) Matthew Stafford at the 8 spot, then followed it up with another risky early selection in Marshawn Lynch. Both guys are 1 season removed from unquestionably (see also: coincidental, uncharacteristic, unlikely, statistical aberration thereof) career fantasy bests last season, but aside from the fact that I doubt either will duplicate their numbers, both maintain an injury risk label. And to be honest, neither are TRULY that great to warrant top picks. Maybe good later round selections but 1st and 2nd round? No thank you. Yet Larry continued rolling the dice with Andre Johnson as his 3rd pick.  can u dig it tossed high investment into Matt Ryan in the 5th, eating up that bowl of hype and drafting said QB ahead of the likes of established fantasy producers like Vick (great random buy in the 6th by auto-picking Nemisis), E. Manning, Rivers, and Romo. More than likely he probably could have grabbed him in the 6th anyways, but that's what you do when you went a fellow. You Reach.

Unseen's first 6 picks: rb/rb/rb/wr/wr/qb, investing in Peterson with the 3rd pick highly suspect indeed, especially after drafting 2 consecutive backs, unless this is a long term investment (it is) planning on numbers from AP in the later weeks onward (precisely). A mad scientist in the lab. There is depth at WR this year and very few sure things after Megatron with many pass happy offenses. Colston and Brandon Lloyd fall to D99 in the 5th and 6th, great quality buys at the price. Colston's numbers at minimum should be equivalent to last year given the departure of Meachem and the emergence of Graham, the legitimate #1 target in the prolific N.O. passing game. Graham will draw defenses and Colston should enjoy a fantastic season in the possession receiving role and marquee 3rd down/red zone target. Meanwhile: 966 and 5. Lloyd's numbers in the woeful passing offenses in St. Louis and Denver last season with a half-injured QB and one who simply can't throw passes for his life. At minimum he has 1,100 yds and 8 tds playing with Brady and the easiest schedule in the NFL this year.

Mid Rounds: Pick philosophy shifts toward sleepers and guys with upside and/or associated risk. Or at least that's how it should go. However, in the 7th round we saw 2 kickers and a highly touted defense chosen by the halfway mark of the round (looking at you Jew Brees, can u dig it sucka, DESTROY JEW BREES). San Francisco's defense or a kicker of any kind will not win you a fantasy championship, but a sneaky good pick like Torrey Smith at the 9 spot (Butt Munchers) just might. Meanwhile, Larry invested in another Lion (poor Larry), and half the picks in the next round were again defenses. Unseen grabbed crucial handcuff Ben Tate in the 8th, a virtual lock for massive points if Foster goes down at any point, given the prowess of the Texan line and emphasis on the run game. 4 more kickers then went in the next round (again? seriously?), but two more sneaky good picks with can u dig it sucka's Jacob Tamme (I tried to predict his pick with my own) and Butt Muncher's taking of up-and-coming rb David Wilson of the Giants.

Late Rounds: Griffin III opened the 11th (good autopick), DESTROY JEW BREES grabbed an unprecedented 2nd TE in the 12th with Jermaine Gresham (has to be a joke?) while can u dig it sucka took sad sack of shit Beanie Wells and invested in arguably the best current incarnation of the worst offensive line ever assembled. He may just make up for that pick with his snag of Blackmon in the next round, although that depends entirely upon the QB play in Jacksonville (w/ or w/o MJD), something I've no faith in. Larry took the Detroit defense (no surprise) and Butt Munchers rounded out the late selections with more sneaky good picks in Kendall Wright and  C.J. Spiller, then took Toby Gerhart (white running back anyone?) who is most likely waiver fodder for a kicker he never selected.

Given the nature of the draft then, the projected order of runners up in the league is as follows:

10th Place: Butt Munchers
I google image searched "butt munchers" and this is what I got:

I think the images speak for themselves. Easily a 1,000 words each. He is clearly going to be league bitch this season. Congratulations. Now go tie my shoe.

9th Place: Steelers Rule
Undisputed, top candidate for the "most likely to never set his lineup because he joined a league and forgot" award for the season. First pick in draft and not present. Nice. Maybe he'll win half his games due to randomly aligning fortunate moments (could be as soon as week 2, favorable matchups w/Carolina at N.O. and Foster at Jacksonville). But he'll still do better than Butt Munchers.

8th Place. DESTROY JEW BREES
Right off the top: MJD in the 2nd round with the 5th pick, basically giving away weeks 1, 2, and possibly 3. Look I love the dude as much as the next. I've had him on crucial, fantasy championship winning teams in the past. But he ain't touched a ball in a legit practice all preseason, let alone a game. I don't care how fresh ol' boy is, you practice how you play. And if you ain't practicing for real, you ain't playin for real. Or maybe you just didn't know he is holding out, which I guess is the best excuse which could be given in this case.

That aside, let's talk name here. For all you knuckleheads who aren't aware of a connection yet, there is another dude in the league with the team name Jew Brees (to be discussed later). Basically he modeled his name after a previous member in the league. What a great idea!

I see your name backfiring on you. #epicfail

7th, 6th, 5th Places: Some random smattering of Muddogs, under dogs, and Nemisis
I wouldn't have much respect nor faith in these guys, even if they showed up for the draft, given the character of their chosen team names: one is just plain weak, the other completely misspelled, and the last an admission of being inferior. I'll let you figure it out. All of them look like they were created by 12 year old kids who just made their first yahoo accounts and signed up for fantasy football. By the way, every one of them are runners-up candidates for the "most likely to never set his lineup because he joined a league and forgot" award. But all will still do better than Butt plugs.

4th Place: Jew Brees
Originality in name? Check. Maybe. But it works. He'll make the playoffs and get stomped in the first round by yours truly. Children will win spelling bees and parking tickets will be issued. A minor footnote will be made.

3rd Place: THE DETROIT LARRYS
Not sure if the guy's name is Larry or if he knows a crew of Larrys but the idea of naming your team after yourself (or the plurality thereof) is kind of humorous in the same way as watching one of your friends take a stupid dare which may very well end up in physical injury. And the Larry side of it fit. Like, if dude's name was Colin, it wouldn't have quite the same ring to it. Or names like, Ahmad, John, or Charles. Well, actually, THE DETROIT CHUCKIES might work in the same fashion. Anyway, Larry seemed to have a decent draft, but he has put a lot of faith into Stafford and Co. It is never a good recipe for fantasy success to tie your fortunes to one team. But maybe there is some pity and a soft spot in Unseen's cold, grizzly bear heart for presumably being a Lions fan. Ok Larry. Good luck to you.

2nd Place: can u dig it sucka
Congratulations. You are top bitch. You are just a bit better than the rest. I might pay a little more attention to you. Seems like dude named himself after the trademark of this guy:

No really. Here it is.

The scouting report says he has 5 fantasy teams this year and his best finish ever is 2nd place. Seems like he's really out for it this season. Well sucka, it's a good thing you've got 4 other chances to win something because you certainly won't in this league. After it is all said and done, I suggest you retire the name "can u dig it sucka" because you'll surely not want to use it again after the season long smack down is wrought upon you. Henceforth your new name will just simply be "sucka".


Until next week. Unseen out.