Semi Final Reax/Finals Preview

This is architect construction. Who wanna battle the Don? Apollo kids live to spit the real.

Talk of the end of the world has gone out with a whimper as a minor footnote, the only significant piece of evidence of its legacy being an incredibly terrible John Cusack film- doubtful that future history textbooks will even give the topic passing mention. It is now official: not even false Mayan prophecies of the apocalypse can prevent D99 from rightfully claiming fantasy glory.

Unfortunately for Yahoo Public 606206, Unseen's march to the title will not be stopped by the cataclysm

The concluding Week 16 is finally here and the championship round is set as a rematch between D99 and DESTROY JEW BREES. And it's for all the cookies in grandma's cookie jar; all the presents under the Christmas tree; all the marbles in the marble sack; all the chips on the poker table; all the pieces of fruit in the basket; all the pogs and slammers in the stack; all the pokemon in your poke collection, or whatever the fuck have you. It's like machine vs. man, man vs. woman. Woman vs. your mother.  It's gonna be instupituous.

Like a true boss, Unseen feels compelled to mention his personal disappointment with his final foe. DESTROY earned the opportunity for another shellacking mostly due to the fact that Butt Munchers inexplicably replaced his kicker (a kicker, dog?) last week, trading out Minnesota's Blair Walsh (who put up 25 points) for Cleveland's (really?) Phil Dawson (who put up a mere 3 points). Needless to say, if he didn't swap kickers, he would have easily topped the 100 point threshold and soundly defeated DESTROY for a position in the finals against D99. After a very strong regular season as the top scorer in the league, Munchers will be duking it out for 3rd with Nemisis1, who had his title ambitions vaporized by Unseen with the continued help of Adrian Peterson operating on Beast Mode setting.

If ever, one qualified to have accidentally made it to a championship round on the wings of fortunate luck, DESTROY JEW BREES surely fits the bill. As was chronicled in last week's commentary and throughout the campaign, D99 has made no secret about the distortions associated with DESTROY's presence in the playoffs. After last week's victory, his record over the second half of the fantasy season -including playoffs- stands at 3-5, and he has still failed to chart over 100 points. Although he has a good lineup of solid receiving options (B. Marshall, D. Thomas, R. Wayne) DESTROY's squad lacks serious and consistent punch mostly because his top running back selection (MJD) has been sidelined with an injury. Instead, he has been playing Frank Gore and Pierre Thomas. Over the past two weeks, despite the wealth of rb talent on his roster (Peterson, Rice, Charles), Unseen has been snatching up emerging late season backs who have been putting up points (Moreno, D. Williams, D. Wilson)- a deliberate set of defensive maneuvers made to ensure opponents with weak running games like Nemisis1 and DJB aren't handed his crown on the shoulders of a last moment waiver-wire pickup. D99 makes no games of this business. This shit right here is a grown man's sport- ain't no place for accident murderers.

The snowball just keeps rolling downhill and gaining momentum, irregardless of setbacks along the way. Last week served as yet another reminder that Phillip Rivers cannot be trusted, even in proxy, after late season phenom Danario Alexander put up a goose-egg with only three targets against Carolina. Fortunately, plug and play Cincinnati defense came through and delievered on Thursday Night Football as hoped, dropping a solid 23 points. The win was not without drama, however, as Chris Johnson ran for an early 94 yard score in the MNF matchup against a hopeless Jets team. Although they dropped the ball on offense, the Jets D held up in the end (for fantasy purposes, at least). This week, D99 is opting to use the Charger D against 3rd stringer McElroy in New York, anticipating a low scoring offensive matchup featuring two offenses who just can't seem to get their shit together.

Is he crazy for this? Did he just completely disregard his own statements about Rivers in proxy? Or is he mastering the blueprint for defensive use in fantasy football? D99 has already previously demonstrated his prowess on the defensive front. As NFL offenses evolve and trends come and go, adaptation is required in the fantasy game in order to stay ahead of the curve. Not so long ago, the game revolved around workhorse backs, and fantasy seasons could be won and lost solely on the basis of who got one of the first two or three picks in the draft. With the emergence and growing popularity of running back committees, coupled with the evolution of the passing game directly correlated with changes in defensive rules, it is true that the more common NFL offense is now based around use of marquee quarterbacks. It is highly unlikely that a dominant defensive team with combination poor passing/strong running game like the 2000 Ravens will win another Super Bowl any time soon. Consequently, in the fantasy world, it is much more common for QBs to go earlier in drafts, and in the case of this year, even TE's were going in the first/second rounds. Though a top level quarterback like Drew Brees is mos def highly desired, the rarity of workhouse/premier runners like Foster, Peterson, Rice, (and surprisingly) Lynch, and Martin still makes them, by positional comparison, much more valuable an asset for fantasy purposes. It is simply much more common and likely for a QB to score 20 points in a week than it is for a running back. Sacrificing an average of 5-8 points weekly difference at the quarterback position (most likely due to variance as a result in matchup or play conditions) in exchange for 10-12 points at the RB position is an obvious swap any competitor would take. The wild card in the situation is that it is more common for guys like Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Cam Newton, or (now) RGIII to drop high 20's to high 30's than it is for even the top backs in fantasy, especially if their team falls behind early.

Enter the fucking monster of a season Adrian Peterson is putting together (who, by the way, is unquestionably the most valuable player of the NFL this year). Recall that he was taken in the third round after two consecutive RB selections. Then recall the fact that D99 has already elaborated upon the offer he posed to DESTROY JEW BREES in order to solve his Phillip Rivers QB issues. In retrospect, this deal may very well have simultaneously been a season breaker for the Unseen and a season winner for DESTROY if he had taken the offer. Only this week will reveal just how incredibly and ridiculously stupid ignoring the offer was. If All Day puts the nail into the DJB's fantasy coffin with a solid performance against an admittedly insanely difficult Texan run D, he'll only have himself to blame. On the flip side, if Marshall (and Cutler) show up at Arizona, he may be singing a different song, and Drew Brees may or may not dismantle Big D's secondary, which is also in play. Or, in the big picture, will DESTROY JEW BREES be the last of the 2012 sacrifices made to the fantasy football Gods? All of these questions still demand resolution, and leave it up to the championship round to provide it.

Unseen has crafted these jewels in order to more fully and comprehensively depict the DaVinci-like masterpiece of his grand and sweeping statement: Here is your shovel, go ahead and start digging your grave, shark-bait. D99 smelt blood a mile away from day one, and he's done nothing but follow through upon proclamations of his dominance over this here motherfucking jungle. Yal's scent must be so undeveloped that you failed to pick up the markings on the territory. Consequently, if you enter the Tiger's domain, you're gonna be lunch. If you're flying through the Eagle's hood, best believe those feathers gon' get snatched up. If you travel down to the watering hole, don't be surprised to find yourself caught in an alligator's jaws. If you get lost in the tundra, wolves will hunt you down until you get tired of runnin'. If you venture into the cave, a bear's got no choice but to maul you apart. Cross Unseen's path, and you've got no choice but defeat.


Until next week...

End of the Regular Season Reax

Months have passed and seasons have changed. The leaves have fallen from the trees and shit, Thanksgiving turkeys have been carved, and as we approach the Christian holiday the fantasy playoffs are in full gear. And in case yal blockhead fools still haven't put together the X's and O's like those 3rd grade valentines you used to write to your "auntie" or bus driver, D99 has taken another step toward unparalleled fantasy greatness. Unseen has continued to roll down this road with a swagger so obnoxious it has motherfuckers caught up on some envious "what the fuck is that dude on?" shit. D99 flashes them high beams- you get the fuck up out the lane.

Yea, some of these joints be tight, some of these joints be fucked up. At the end of the day though, truth is, these flaky ass competitors are on some sincere phoca vitulina shit. Motherfucking mammals with fur and blubber and flippers and whiskers and webbed feet tryin' to play in the ocean with the real badass fishes. You don't fit in on land, and you get hunted every time you venture into deeper waters. Yal are in the presence of the true Great White, and the rest of these consolation lames just got passed up in favor of a bigger meal- congratulations for playing, now go back to shore and maybe someday you'll be lucky enough to procreate some other weaklings, young pup. It's just the laws of nature. At an earlier period perhaps you'd receive a participation medal or ribbon or somethin', but at least you can rest and take solace in knowing you lost to a true legend.

D99 is on some Planet Earth shit

It hasn't been made easy though- sometimes these pinnipeds make a trill predator like Unseen work for their grub, getting all evasive with the ducking, diving, twirling, and jumping and such. D99 enters the playoffs in the 4th seed on the momentum of a two week win streak with crucial must-wins over Jew Brees and Muddogs. Meanwhile, Sucka failed worse than a sheltered fundamentalist virgin trying to put a condom on a banana in sex ed...consider that imagery. Son, you had so much potential as a foil too. Unseen really wanted you to succeed simply on the basis that it would allow further degradation of your already pitiful condition by way of an insulting playoff victory. You've denied D99 the opportunity to put a cherry on top...which might actually be the best move you've made all season, by the way. Go ahead and crawl back into that cave of obscurity you'd ventured out of: your fantasy career has been assassinated.

Now that the "I just do it for fun" season is over, Unseen did some deep meditation on the shit and came up with a few inspired comments to drop and a few bars to craft drawn from the highest Himalayan spiritual peaks and the holiest shrines containing the seeds of the same bodhi tree the Buddha became blessed under. The type of all-seeing, all-encompassing awareness shit which transcends metaphysical boundaries and manifests itself as an enlightened statement of unity with the entire universe itself. The type of shit written on divine tablets that angels sing to while floating down on puffy white clouds surrounded by doves in flight and laced with a light so powerful it cuts through all darkness and reveals the purity of the soul. The type of shit so absolutely unfathomable and incomprehensible that it could only be expressed mathematically as perfectly balanced and infinite in character. Actually, about 98% of that shit was entirely made up- D99 has got just ONE thing to say to the hate train:

Paired up with D99 in the first elimination game is Nemisis1, aka the team formerly known as Nemisis, which gained the additional digit partway through the season because apparently this dude has FIVE other teams with the same title. And, for the record, every one of the Nemisis squads resides in a public league- so it's not as if the Andy D plethora is due to some sort of competitive/social obligation with his co-workers or friends: he simply chose to make six fantasy football teams. Unseen never fails to find humor in fantasy football players with the combination of excessive league membership and lack of results (see also: sucka). Consider, perhaps, that maybe your pathological commitment to failure is directly due to your inability to make good managerial decisions, and that increasing the number of teams you run WILL NOT increase your probability of winning- especially when your number is pulled for a league with a legitimate monster like D99.

The matchup against Nemisis1 represents the opportunity for a reply to the loss Unseen took in Week 8 while playing with a shorthanded bye-week squad, in addition to starting the San Diego human turnover machine more commonly known by the legal name of Phillip Rivers (who managed, literally, only 154 yards passing week 8). Barnwell had an entertaining writeup of the worst throws of the year a few weeks back, and of course Rivers made the list with this beauty of a pick-6 while playing against Tampa Bay. Needless to say, the ship has since been corrected and the Chi is now in balance. It was nothing a few L's and gut instinct couldn't fix...Rivers has simply failed to live up to any real or fantasy expectations of a "bounce back" from last year's terrible turnover-plagued campaign. In his place now stands Carson Palmer, underrated fantasy producer of patented junk-time tounchdowns, like a poor-man's 2012 QB version of the 2008 Calvin Johnson (the year the Lions went unvictorious). Unseen has been stuck rolling with Palmer due to the fact that multiple teams have legitimate starting-quality quarterbacks they could have traded for profit who are simply sitting on their bench collecting dust (a la DESTROY JEW BREES).

A monster fantasy season, but you wouldn't know it in Yahoo Public 606206

Way back in August, Unseen employed the entirely unconventional draft strategy of taking three straight rbs (Rice, Charles, Peterson) with his first three picks in a public league with no flex position. Somewhere across the planet, the rainforest was being torn down. Mystics began to prophesize the coming of days. Devastating hurricanes materialized in the Gulf, and executives at Pepsi-Cola considered going for broke and bringing back Crystal Pepsi. The Earth was damned near thrown off its axis. Fast forward to Week 15 and the first round of the playoffs, and D99 sits in a comfortable position with three of the top ten backs in fantasy. Coupled with some keen pickups like Danario Alexander, Carson Palmer, and various flavor-of-the-week defenses, his squad appears to be peaking at the right moment. When it all boils down, the essential remaining ingredient which separates the real from the fake is simply the employment of superior personal research and strategy.

In other relevant league news, Butt Munchers was bumped down to the 2nd spot in the last week of the regular season and as a result, faces a matchup against 3rd place DESTROY JEW BREES. Interestingly enough, these two knuckleheads also last faced each other back in week 8 when a strong Doug Martin performance (33.4 pts on 135/1 and 79/1) and typical Tom Brady domination (304/4) allowed Munchers to cruise to an easy 107-73 victory. Unseen has strongly maintained since Week 4 that DESTROY JEW BREES enjoyed the benefit of a creampuff early schedule and sincerely lacked the talent to go the distance. Subsequent facts have proven this position to be correct: Since that Week 8 loss against Butt Munchers, DESTROY has limped into the playoffs by going 2-4 while also failing to score over 100 total points in any week. As a matter of fact, DESTROY has topped the century mark only THREE times over the course of the season, and last accomplished this feat back in Week 5.  As a point of comparison, Butt Munchers has dropped 100+ a record 9 times this season, and also remains the single-week high record holder by virtue of that historic Doug Martin performance back in Week 9. In determining this semi-final pairing, if Butt Munchers matches his weekly average output of 101.52, he'll have assured himself a position to challenge for D99's crown.


Until next week.

Catching Up Reax (Weeks 9-11)

It's time to catch up on some action from the past few weeks, after D99 got caught up chillin with a homeboy lieutenant who came through town. Weeks 9, 10, and 11 are concluded, and the hike to the top of Everest has just reached high altitude base camp. After a close victory over DESTROY JEW BREES and a set back in week 10, Unseen's crew stand poised like expert sherpas ready to guide D99 to the summit. So take your equipment back to the store, Unseen don't wanna hear that weak shit no more.

In regard to the week 9 win,  D99 was pushed to the limit on the Eagles v. Saints Monday Night Football game, all the way down to the last minute. In retrospect, the turning point in the matchup literally hinged upon three plays in the 1st half:

• With Pierre Thomas in DESTROY's lineup, 1st-10 on the Eagles' 10, Brees handed off to Thomas who took it 9 yards and was poised to break the plane for 6 on some nail-in-the-coffin type shit until the Eagles David Sims literally pulled him backward and down at the 1 as Unseen yelled "stop that boy!" at the TV.

Oh so close...

• On the very next play, the Saints ran play action and Brees connected with Colston (who used the referee to find separation from Asomugha) for the 1 yd score. -6 for DESTROY JEW BREES. +6 for D99.
• Lastly, after a beautiful completion dropped into Colston (covered tightly again by Asomugha) to bring N.O. to the Phi 17, Brees fumbled during a sack by the Eagles Brandon Graham, resulting in -2 for DESTROY and giving enough padding to maintain the lead for the win.

All in all, it was a well scripted victory, adding a bit of sting to the bite inflicted upon the then 1st place team, putting the motherfucker in check and clearing the way for D99 to step on up. Why you fools wanna battle with kids with steel tongues? Butt Munchers appears to be hell bent on throwing banana peels in the street trying to slip up the King cruisin on his chopper. No matter. This salad tossin hoe is only prolonging the inevitable- Unseen remains steady crafting bars like jewels to bring to the market and strike it rich with the hardware.

Meanwhile, league standings have been mixing and shuffling and 7 teams remain in the hunt for playoff positions. Jew Brees is back in this bitch- after being matched up for the 2nd time with his arch-rival, he avenged his earlier loss and pressed him flatter than a piece of matzo. Amazingly, autoplay muddogs sits above .500 after stealing a win from Nemisis, a 7-4 squad tied up with DESTROY JEW BREES. D99 got another chance to sucker-punch suckadickasaurus, who actually bothered to update his lineup but still lost by a measly 3 points. The field is now more crowded than clowns in a volkswagen.

It's time to spit some truth to yal space monkeys now that the trade deadline has passed. For three solid weeks, Unseen put up Adrian Peterson and Dwayne Bowe for DESTROY JEW BREES' Peyton Manning and Brandon Marshall. This trade would have resulted in an positive +28 points for DESTROY compared with the +4 points for D99, and DESTROY still didn't have the sense to realize that having Manning on his bench while he is rolling with rbs like Pierre Thomas and Felix Jones (limited shelf life there homie) will not help his cause. What is perhaps most interesting about this situation is the fact that dude didn't even have the balls to respond to the offer. Denying a trade is one thing. Acting like you don't see it altogether is quite another. Look, we know Unseen is on some alpha dog running-the-pack type shit, but where is your manhood yo?

Who snatched that shit?

To begin, the pickup of Peterson alone makes it worth it- especially given the fact that he is on pace for his best season ever.  Secondly, given the shape of your team, you cannot (actually, fuck that- WILL NOT) win a league by denying other teams points through keeping players on your bench. Look, you're simply not in a position to make a call like that given your lack of talent at the most important position in fantasy. AP has the ability to carry your output for BOTH slots on a weekly basis. But you didn't even think about this. If nothing else -really- this was your opportunity to stick it to D99 with a stamp of "denied" and a chance to lay some vicious words into the cut. Instead, let it be known to the world:
 

You did nothing.

Unseen faces off against Stealers Rule this week and stands a good chance to lay a few head shots on the competition and solidify his playoff position- he's already kicking back and enjoying some victory L's and brews. Jew Brees has a tough matchup with Butt Munchers, who has some favorable plays with Doug Martin (ATL at home), C.J. Spiller (at Indy), and Brady at a Revis-less Jets. Sucka pairs against a surging Larry Turner, who looks to be in good shape as long as he plays Dez Bryant over a benched Titus Young, and inserts Minnesota's D off the bye (against a weak Chicago offense) for the Giants D against Green Bay. Nemisis1 might as well be on the bye this week, as he faces empty shell under dogs (autowin kthx), and DESTROY JEW BREES takes on a Gronkowski-less muddogs...both are sure to enjoy their Thanksgiving feasts. Get it while you can.

Until next week bitches.

Week 8 Reax

Battle axe rap. Ain't been like none of these bitches, as far as Unseen can remember. Week 8 finished and another matchup where a QB stunk up the joint. And what a surprise it was- another Phillip Rivers stinkbomb against a hapless Cleveland. One might have given the man a little credit considering the Sunday conditions related to Hurricane Sandy, but not D99. It is time to acknowledge for the moment that this Chargers team is not an early OR midseason squad known for monster fantasy production. The only thing keeping them respectable is the fact they play in such a terrible division.  The NFC west got their shit together 2 seasons ago. Why is the AFC west still sputtering along? Is it because the Chiefs, Chargers, and Raiders are still peeing their pants like it's cool? Could it be that this division simply represents the worst collective management in the NFL?  In the lead up to Thursday night's game with the Chargers and Chiefs in San Diego, Fire Norv Turner was trending on twitter.  The sentiment carried over into the game even when it turned into a rout.

All of this is to say, that despite a 31-13 blowout, Rivers still managed to throw a pick and keep his fantasy production in the mid teens. If the Chargers are going anywhere this year, defense will have to carry them because their QB now has his switch turned on to the "bitch mode" setting. Phillip Rivers, You're Fucking Out. Take a seat.

In other league news, Larry Turner recorded his first win in a convincing blowout over Stealers Rule, being on the receiving end of fine days from Stafford, Crabtree, and Marshawn Lynch. And although it did help that Stealers started two players on bye, Detroit Larrys could potentially morph into a spoiler team given favorable matchups in the next coming weeks for Stafford against Jacksonville, Minnesota, Green Bay (home), and Indy. He runs into Jew Brees this week, who managed to claw his way back to .500 after a .06 point victory over under dogs which ran all the way down to the final whistle in the Monday night game between the Cardinals and 49ers- a game which, by the way, essentially was a snore fest where the biggest highlight was Randy Moss actually catching some passes (and a TD!).

This week, Butt Munchers and Sucka are going to slug it out, after both put up 100 points in week 8. Unseen draws DESTROY JEW BREES after he slid down into second place following a loss to Munchers. The top end of the standings and the coveted playoff spots are still completely up for grabs among 7 different teams, a situation which is due to shake itself out in the coming weeks. As the November 16 trade deadline approaches, the opportunity to swap currency will soon be coming to a close. Time to either put your chips up or stand pat. It is definitely fair to say that EVERY team could make improvements to maximize their scoring potential

Speaking of the parking space holder, DESTROY JEW BREES still hasn't solved his RB crisis with MJD out, still actin' more ignant than the dudes rhymin on "Bandz A Make Her Dance". And since we're on the topic, is there a whacker rapper makin $$s right now than 2 Chainz? Every verse Unseen hears from this dude sounds like some shit the modern-day "Mr. Bojangles" Soulja Boy wrote BEFORE he did "Crank That" and found some fucking clothes that fit. We ain't even mentioned the fact this dude looks like a damn human condor (the female version), or dresses like your aging hipster uncle who listens to the whack music today's teens are copping just so he could say he's "Up On Shit".

2 Chainz on the way to the studio to record another set of weak-ass bars

One phone just ain't enough...

Pretty sure this shit wouldn't even fly during the 80's...

D99 has a feeling 2 Chainz is going to end up being like all these other busted-ass rappers like Fabolous or Chamillionaire or Bow-Wow who REFUSE to go away into obscurity (where they belong) because the 10-13 year old demographic will continue to buy their shit and keep their careers alive. Sort of like the way DESTROY JEW BREES keeps managing to hang around despite the reality that his squad is the fantasy equivalent of the pink slime McDonald's was mixing into their beef to add weight to their burgers. Unseen bout to get his grub on.


Until Next Week.

Mid Season Evaluation

Another week, another progression. Certain fools are still making Unseen's task even easier by essentially forfeiting match ups. Feelin' themselves because they fed on some damned creampuff teams early on and think they can simply cruise to victory. Ain't no cruising on this block homies- unless you ridin' with D99. And D99 doesn't roll with those folks who seem to think winning ain't everything. That's some loser talk yo. Maybe when its all through, yal losers can get together and have a pow-wow around the campfire with your hot dogs and baked beans and marshmallows and chocolate and graham crackers and sticks and ghost stories and shit, and reminisce on those times when you actually mattered because you temporarily occupied a decent position in the standings.

Mmm, these smores sure do make me feel better about failure!

This is that ignorant shit you love. Fuck shit ass hoe ass trick mark ass busted ass punked-out vulture ass fiends. You're elephants lost in the Sahara. You're broke ass '95 Ford Escorts. Weak ass '93 Plymouth Sundance bitches. Just a bunch of actors lookin at yourselves in the mirror backwards.

Seven weeks down, and it's time to drop some bars and evaluate the current mid season situation. In keeping with all honesty and sincerity though, this really is and has been a one horse race. BUT, for the sake of humoring the masses and keeping it interesting, D99 will look down from his throne and give a top-down interpretation on the state of the league. In no particular order.

Nemisis1

Greatest Accomplishment: Successfully avoiding D99 until week 8; only facing D99 once
Power Animal: Snarf
Current Rank: First Circle of Hell

Synopsis: Firstly, did this dude change his name? Like, change his name from Nemisis to Nemisis1, or is Unseen just literally making shit up in order to talk shit? Maybe this real or fictional name change represents the turnaround in league performance. After spending the first few weeks in digital coma, Nemisis resuscitated his fantasy standing, got his shit together, and now resides in playoff contention. Congrats hoe. Go have yourself a mint chocolate chip cookie and some milk.

After dropping a 140 point bomb on Butt Munchers in week 7 curtesy of a ridiculous Chris Johnson performance from who-the-fuck-knows-where, Nemisis might have some steam going forward if, you know, Josh Freeman continues to pass for 400 yards and 3 TDs a week, CJ2K consistently puts up 30 pts, Hakeem Nicks shakes off his injury bug, Percy Harvin doesn't come down with any mysterious migraines, and the Cowboys don't self implode/lose an effective Tony Romo via excessive turnovers or a bitchmade injury. Was it mentioned that dude's best player is the Chicago Bears defense? And you expect to be taken seriously? Fuckouttahere. D99 has eaten burritos bigger than you.

Larry Turner AKA formerly known as THE DETROIT LARRYS

Greatest Accomplishment: Currently on pace to complete the fantasy equivalent of the 2008 Detroit Lions.
Power Animal: Jar Jar Binks
Current Status: Already preparing for next season.

Synopsis: What the hell happened to these Lions this season? After looking semi-legit last year and displaying some potential, they now sit 2-4 in last place in the NFC North. Could it have been a fluke? Is Megatron not the utterly dominant force we believed him to be at the start of the season (16th among WRs)? Was Matthew Stafford overrated at the beginning of the season? Does the team completely lack any semblance of a run game? Is their defense (and squad as a whole) still young, immature, and lacking in veteran leadership? Will they make the playoffs again in the next 20 years? Is Larry truly worthy of insult after being defeated in week 7 by a mere 4 points plus change using fill ins on the bye week?

Truth is, week 7 had been circled on Unseen's calendar since draft day, due to excessive overlap of bye weeks among starters on the roster. Progression through weeks 1-6 very much revolved around preparing and fielding a squad capable of a W in week 7. It just so happened the Larry matchup coincided with this hurdle. It's not your fault Larry. Well, really it is, but you can't be blamed for being a Lions homer. You're just trying to root for your boys. Best believe D99 wants to see you take some wins and break some souls the remainder of the season. Its not too late to blow shit up.

Stealers Rule, under dogs, Muddogs

Greatest Accomplishments: Remaining relevant in the fantasy picture despite never updating their lineups.
Power Animals: Care Bears
Current Location: The netherrealm.

Synopsis: With a combined record of 8-13, this group of whackness personified exists solely to fill the role of spoiler. Given limited success thus far, other players are due to drop games to the crew somewhere along the way- especially after the byes end when their starting lineups will be playing every week. D99 Phillip Rivers already handily succeeded in accomplishing this feat in week 6 when he merely needed to throw for 200 and toss a couple TDs and instead lost 2 fumbles and served up 4 picks in a MNF performance that even had Steven Tyler calling it ugly.

Aaaaand speaking of whack QBs, the implosion of the vaunted Ravens D is just about the biggest blow that could have been dealt to all offensive Raven players. It is already well established that they are terrible on the road. Now, without their defensive core to fall back on for possession play, this team's contender status is in pure jeopardy- and not getting the ball to Ray Rice consistently is only further hurting their chances. Falling behind early seems as though it will be the trend going forward for this squad, and if this is the case, Rice's value/upside has essentially been halfed. All of this is to say it is good to have depth at the RB positions. 

But getting back to these busters, teams best be on the lookout going forward. Make sure you take your W's when you can get them- the next few weeks.

Jew Brees

Greatest Accomplishment: Clawing his way out of fantasy exile to force opponents to think twice about not setting their lineups against him.
Power Animal: Sacrificial Goat
Preferred Drink: Malibu Barbie

Synopsis: The record has been spun a few times by Unseen- after starting the season among the pile of recyclables that had been thrown out with the regular trash (on purpose? accident?), Jew Brees scored a major victory and has been on a roll since. Statistically speaking, he should have better odds at making a run at a playoff spot than underdogs, based on the fact that he actually updates and makes moves. He has a few assets, and though he lacks an RB with a punch, Vincent Jackson has been on a murder spree lately...and it just might continue: colder than a teenager playing Grand Theft Auto that boy is right now. A very underrated pick indeed, and this goes without saying it carried some considerable risk. 

Jew Brees has favorable matchups the next two weeks (underdogs, Larry Turner), then starts around on the second swing back through the tougher part of his schedule. If he can win 3 of the next 4, and avenge his loss against DESTROY JEW BREES earlier this season, he'll have put in enough work to warrant serious attention as a contender for second place.

DESTROY JEW BREES

Biggest Accomplishment: Not losing to Jew Brees...
Power Animal: A weak zebra on the Serengeti
Current Rank: The Private in charge of cleaning the barracks bathroom toilets with his toothbrush.

Synopsis: First off, Reggie Wayne has exactly 666 yards in 6 games this season. If that is not an omen, Unseen is unsure what else could be. Secondly, DESTROY JEW BREES could be facing a serious crisis in the coming weeks with an MJD injury- out indefinitely, no timetable for return ("3-4 games" says he)...and the fool doesn't have the fucking sense to pickup Rashad Jennings when his other options at RB are Kevin "Now-you-see-me-now-you-don't" Smith and Pierre "Third Saint in RB pecking order" Thomas. Dog, must you be smacked? Does Iceberg Slim need to be resurrected and transported back to 1950 just to pimp-slap some sense into your head? Does Kazaam need to materialize out of your late 1980's boombox with the tape deck and stomp your ass like a Pepsi can while talking in perpetual rhyme scheme? Does "fantasy guru" Matthew Berry need to call your house and tell you to wake the fuck up? You know what? Forget it son, do you.

Just know D99 is lurking like a croc waiting to bust your shit wide open. Go ahead bro, take that dip. Take the sip- the true predators enjoy the hunt. Unseen still maintains your wins are shit and truthfully speaking, your competition has been bitching out worse than Upham did in Saving Private Ryan. In all seriousness they're handing you a playoff spot so you can have your hopes shattered by a true G. Have fun with your dollar-store squad, clownalingus Rex.

Sucka

Biggest Accomplishment: Being the butt of every joke.
Power Animal: Inflatable Sex Sheep
Current Location: The gaping black hole of Lindsay Lohan's vagina.

Synopsis: In case the connection was not clear enough, that Saving Private Ryan reference was talking about you, captain flaccid. Unseen is convinced that Sucka's conflicts about his sexual orientation have also manifested itself among his fantasy performance. Son can't decide whether he's taking it or trying to give it. Following a 4 game win streak, he willingly allowed himself to get bent over and fucked by DESTROY JEW BREES, and D99 doesn't mean this in some glorious victory type shit- like conquering, colonizing, and missionary fucking type shit. No, kid got beat by ~50 points, and the victor only put up 93. Sucka gave it up, got beat AND set the league record for lowest points scored in a matchup AND largest margin of defeat, on some "Man, I got these cheeseburgers man, I'll suck yo diiiiick" type shit. On some behind the mail truck finger lickin' good type shit.

No pride brah. I hope you're not taking after your mother. If you were in nWo they'd fucking boot your sorry stank ass out the clique...oh wait a second, they actually DID.

 

Matter of fact, you in the corner now son. You on time-out now kid. Don't stare at anything except the crevice where the walls meet. Make sure you study that shit intently. First you wanna get your little game on with your nursery rhymes and shit, and then you proceed to allow one of your opponents to snowplow you? Dog, that shit is disgraceful.

Butt Munchers

Biggest Accomplishment: Winning week 1
Power Animal: Sloth
Current Status: Still stuck in the shadow of D99's throne

Synopsis: Butt Munchers recently picked up an Unseen castoff in Randall Cobb, a player drafted by the Don but dropped for a bye-week fill in. Munchers seems very willing to ride the Packer passing game through the bye week session. D99 is high on the stock of Cobb, who will continue to see targets, playing time, and points as long as Greg Jennings continues to be sidelined, a story which won't seem to go away. The disappearance of Jermichael Finley certainly hasn't hurt his cause either (wasn't he talking shit on Jimmy Graham and Rob Gronkowski earlier in the year?). On another interesting note, this is a contract year for Jennings, and even though he's not likely to leave the Pack, this situation is obviously not helping his future paycheck.

Unseen believes Muncher's record is an accurate reflection of the performance of his team. There is lights-out killer potential on the squad, but large question marks remain about nearly every player except Tom Brady. None are exactly known as established fantasy heroes, but Jordy Nelson is picking up and Doug Martin is emerging as a quite solid poor man's MJD. Torrey Smith is going to be as good as dead the rest of the season, but might still be playable at certain home games. This is a decent but mostly unspectacular and basically boring group.

D99 is eagerly awaiting the week 10 matchup so he can drop the hammer down like the motherfucking blacksmith he is. Butt Munchers is low like all the rest, still lookin up, but he needs to be put back into his place...and even though Larry Turner has last pretty much wrapped up, Butt Munchers has the distinct privilege of getting his shit fucked up late in the season, when wins mean just a little bit more with shit on the line. No doubt, Unseen will get on his Joe Pesci Casino shit with the pen. He will kill you, commit suicide, and kill you again.


Until next week, D99 is astro travellin.

Week 5 Reax

Fuck the luck shit, strictly aim. Haters need to recognize this is domination by design- realize that you won't be fucking with this. Weak ass, merked ass dudes comin back around saying shit about the prose like the ownage is gonna stop. Is you crazy?

Dudes like Sucka remind Unseen of kids-who-got-picked-last-at-sports-in-the-park type shit. Like they're in the game, but just barely. They might think they are on something serious, but they're really more like the helplessly uncoordinated, un-athletic chubby kid who-eats-too-many-oreos and his mom forced the other kids to include him in the game type shit. You dudes are tribute to the GOD. Yal are such bitches, Dave Matthews sweet talks you out of your panties while you're home alone. Watching The Notebook makes you wet. You bitches keep chocolate in your man-purse to help cope with your cycle.

On the league tip, week 5 is done and finished and a situational logjam has manifested over 3rd position. As the bye week series continues, Butt Munchers and Larry meet in a shitshow special after both were crushed in their last matchups by Underdogs and DESTROY JEW BREES, respectively. Butt Muncher's marquee players have serious matchups issues with Brady at Seattle (kryptonite for opposing teams), Nelson at Houston (solid pass D), and Torrey Smith against Dallas coming off the bye. With Jimmy Graham out on bye week, Larry Turner may indeed be celebrating his coveted 1st win come Monday night. Rounding things out, D99 grabbed a W over Muddogs while Nemisis took a loss, and Jew Brees continued to climb out of his hole for the second week in a row with a win against Stealers Rule. Unseen has drawn underdogs after lifting his average weekly point total to 104 while simultaneously facing the 3rd most fantasy points against over this beginning 5 week stretch. A quick glance at the record book reveals some (slightly) advanced statistics related to progress so far: D99's weekly rushing output average is tops in the league, as is his receiving yards average and seasonal total, despite not drafting ANY receiver in the first 3 rounds. Fuck records, fuck your nursery rhymes; Unseen is crafting jewels from the shit you overlooked like a motherfucking wizard performing alchemy.

Butt Muncher's collection of rb's can't stand up to the Revolution

The Unseen flow is about to enter the prime, and all praise is due to the value-based drafting manifesto and strength of schedule analysis. He hasn't even been entertaining these whack-ass trade offers comin his way like peasants begging for food in the fields. On some DMX stop bein' greedy type shit. Yal ain't eatin like this. Butt Munchers offered up his whole team trying to get a taste of Jamaal Charles because his crew of flunkies assigned the running back position just ain't cutting it. Nemisis is experiencing the same crisis and he turned to Unseen for help hoping for a diagnosis, but all he ended up coming away with was a busted ass Rashard Mendenhall plucked from the waiver wire. D99 has been fielding so many trade requests he acquired a series of underlings to draft creative memo denial responses while he worked on the solution to solve the world's energy crisis. This shit is just too crazy to be fabricated.

One thing which is still left to be explained is just why the NFL celebrates breast cancer awareness month, out of all the possible humanitarian issues and causes they could take up. D99 thinks it happens to be a strategic excuse for these grown ass men to wear pink, in some sort of effort to draw away from the hyper masculinity of the sport itself. Like it's alright for men to wear pink, especially football players- it humanizes and sensitizes the individuals on the field to cater toward the females among a typically male dominated audience. What a fucking joke. Apply the situation to real life: those dudes that go out in pink polos are always unquestionably bitches, and it doesn't matter what they look like. This shit is entirely twisted backwards- like reclaiming pink and wearing the shit (which, technically, doesn't really have too many appropriate matches) is some sort of bold ass statement about your manhood. Here's a bold ass statement about your manhood: stop letting females determine your color palate. If the color of your shirt best matches a woman's nail polish, you should kill that shit right away, bag it up, and bring it to your nearest Salvation Army.

D99 could talk some shit on underdogs, but the digital vacant space ain't worth the time spent to craft this sentence. And really, neither is trolling on this bullshit (what the fuck is this?). Bill Bellamy what have you done lately? Man, they killed MTV Beach House in '93. What fucking cave hole in Fraggle Rock have you been hiding out in? You should have stayed there brah. Don't nobody want your lame ass jokes, let alone your mug staring them in the face when they log onto their fantasy leagues. It's not even humorous enough to draw a condescending Joe Biden laugh. On the other hand, these limp wristed league busters talkin shit just might be. Realize.

Until next week.

Week 2 Reax

A word to the weak: You Can't Stop The Bum Rush. Unseen is back after laying a slap on Sucka worse than his mother did the time he cursed at her when he was 8. On another note, some weak ass punk bitch(es) made attempts to shut down the Smack, claiming this pulitzer prose to be spam. Aside from the fact that this was a flagrant violation of man laws 2, 6, and 32 ("don't be a bitch", "don't hate on someone doin it bigger than you", and "don't hate the player, hate the game"), there is definitely no stopping this train- irregardless of what ever personal feelings of inadequacy are aroused from the subconscious. D99 spits a complex venom.

You need to understand something: this is Newton's first law. An object in motion will remain in motion at the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. You hater bitches ain't that unbalanced force. Unseen's forward inertia is so strong it can't be stopped. When he takes his hands off the wheel the shit corrects itself. Haters trying to throw up roadblocks will get steamrolled. Gator don't play no shit.

Week 2 in the books and Sucka dropped a turd worse than Harry did in the broken toilet upstairs the night Lloyd gave him laxative before his date with Mary. The stank was so foul it was like he actually ate that dog's asshole and had his fantasy team shit it out into cyberspace. He failed worse than this guy. D99 thinks Sucka deliberately forfeited the match up ahead of time by playing Jennings when he was listed as out. Or maybe those other 8 fantasy teams have fucked his whole shit up. In either case, his contender status is officially erased from the books.

NFL's 2nd week brought the inevitable to the forefront: these replacement refs aren't going to cut it. It's really more about how much longer this will carry on. These boys can't control players on the field, let alone make calls consistently according to the actual rulebook. There were some true fuck ups Sunday to go along with a slew of fists thrown by players in front of refs with no penalties called either way. This was across multiple games, and the media is still not saying enough about it, despite the post game talk after Monday night. Steve Young was absolutely right about what he said. The NFL recognizes its product and knows it really doesn't matter in the end- they could have the worse refs in the world and we'd still watch. Probably.

Currently, the Giants have put a wrap on the Panthers in Carolina. Andre Brown doin his best C.J. Spiller impression with Bradshaw out, and he's sitting on waivers right now. The Giants on the road are beasts. What is truly bizarre is how the Cards are 2-0 after the upset at Foxboro. What is not bizarre at all is how much Cleveland sucks. Chicago got smacked up in Green Bay in a boring ass game that was really a great piece of evidence in argument of the position that Thursday night football is garbage. Plus the shit is shown on NFL network; it's not even a prime time station or network. Really, after combining play quality with the overall marketing strategy, it's almost like they're saying "who gives a fuck?" and holding the finger up to all marginal fans of the game. As in, the ones that watch and enjoy football but haven't or don't want to make the additional commitment to a specific package. Which by the way is likely 75% of fans. Now, if you got your NFL network as part of regular package, good for you. Overall, this is a testament to both the quality of this game and just how poorly the league can market itself while still raking in the dough and completely getting away with it.

In league news DESTROY JEW BREES snagged another win over his nemesis Jew Brees with a solid win. Unseen can't lie- he was really hoping Jew Brees would channel his inner Stigglitz / Bear Jew and knock one out of the park. He'll have another chance later on in the season. Meanwhile, Under dogs claimed victory over a seriously under performing Detroit Larrys while Nemisis (who came to life and is makin moves) slid by Muddogs by just under 3 points. Larry has Sucka this week, and could very well bag his first W. Rounding out the week, Butt munchers got dropped by another merciless high scoring performance from Stealers Rule, who actually was rewarded and won the matchup, leading to a face-off with D99 this week. So far his Panthers have underperformed. Whether the use of "stealers" instead of "steelers" is a deliberate pun or a very careless misspelling is yet to be determined. Until it is, contender status for runner up is still up in the air. Twain probably said it best: "The best swordsman in the world doesn’t need to fear the second best swordsman in the world; no, the person for him to be afraid of is some ignorant antagonist who has never had a sword in his hand before; he doesn’t do the thing he ought to." Either way Unseen plans to demolish just him just like this Russian did Larry and Mike.

Until next week.

Week 1 Reax

First off, fuck is up with this automated fantasy recap system? Shit damn near blew my mind- it even incorporates a bit of basic level analysis/comparison with sit/starts and league scores in other matchups. This game just keeps getting easier and easier for the knuckleheads to grasp what the hell is going on. I remember having to go to obscure or local coverage sites, or message boards, just to get news or basic stats, or having to do the running math of your points while the day went on. Players likely remember you used to have to BUY stat tracker just to get live updates on Sunday. Now they got some random ass company telling you who to play and doing your own post match data. Yahoo got trade analysis just in case you can't figure out whether you should make a swap based on bye weeks. The competitive element has gone more plush than your grandmother's toilet seat. With a side of Angel Soft.

In other news, football is now rolling. Chips are falling, preseason speculation is starting to materialize, and Falcons fans are already talking Super Bowl after their stomping of the perennial black-sheep stepchild KC Chiefs (what else is new? x2). Unseen still maintains these dirty birds might put up points, and shit, they might even make the playoffs, but they sure as hell aren't getting past their first postseason match-up. Irrelevant to fantasy yes, news to NFC South pundits no.

D99 suffered a minor disappointment in the week 1 draw against the Buttmunchers, with Tom Brady being Tom Brady, the Texans D shutting down the pitiful Dolphins, and Pierre Garcon going the distance for the longest fucking touchdown of his career. Are you shitting me? Saints fans likely saw this type of thing coming after a horrific preseason featuring a Drew Brees holdout, a coaches ban, and the defensive unit basically doing its best Lisa Sparxxx lay-back-and-fuck-me impression. The D can't get much worse there. Owners of any Saints players will reap benefits- every game is going to be a shootout. Brees could very well break his own record during a losing season.

Speaking of the Saints, Sunday's game featured a colossal moment of table turning which damn near caused spontaneous head combustion. 3rd and 7 (2nd quarter) at the Washington 38, Brees hit the typically sure-handed Colston on a post route, who instantly appeared to be headed for paydirt, until he fumbled into the end zone, flanked behind by Jimmy Graham, who very nearly fell on the ball, only to have it roll out of the back of the end zone for a touch back. It was an instant fantasy horror classic. Negative points for fumble, only to be almost recovered by an opponent's player, only to roll out of bounds for no points at all. Unquestionably a game changer and undoubtedly the sound of the bell tolling early on the weekly match up.

Butt munchers is looking like a real motherfucking competitor here. Unseen might be inclined to take him a bit more seriously if he had a championship trophy in his case, but until that day (likely never), like our man Bill Clinton said, even a broken clock is right twice a day. He's up against Stealers Rule, a squad that despite putting up 107, still lost to a ridiculous 137 thrown up by DESTROY JEW BREES, who, with both Drew Brees and Peyton Manning, has a big decision to make about his QB this week. D99 senses a vintage Peyton Manning performance at Atlanta on MNF, the kind of stage that was built for the aw shucks ol' man with the bionic neck. Denver may not win, but Manning will shine.
 
In other matchups, Nemisis scored a win against Jew Brees with a respectable 94, while LARRY began his losing streak against autobot muddogs and a mean 121. Jew Brees suffered a serious setback with the injury to Fred Jackson, a draft pick which personally impressed, so it will be interesting to see how he adapts. Handcuff C.J. Spiller is solidly stuck in the asscheeks clutches of Buttmunchers. Sucka dug out a W against a pathetic outing by under dogs, who in name and action seems to be very quickly taking up the predicted role indeed. Astonishingly, not a single waiver pickup following week 1 except Ogletree, who may or may not be the next Laurent Robinson replacement plug n play. The jury is still out. We all know Unseen's feelings about Cowboys.

Sucka is next up on the fantasy platter, a team who had the pleasure of being draftday bitch and picking after D99. There seems to be certain doubt about his lineup this week. His mother must be too busy with his semen-crusted tube socks to set his lineup for him. Hey Sucka, what did the five fingers say to the face?

 

You are about to get slapped up.

Forfeits are always accepted. It's ok. No one will judge you. Just for you, this next track goes out to your squad and your sorry ass RB2s.

Until next week.

TheUnseen Draft Response and Pre-season Rankings

The league is now on jacked up mode. Hijacked: Yahoo Public 606206. You may have believed you were joining some random (casual?) yahoo-based fantasy football league, but instead what you got is the opportunity to be publicly-stomped and devoured by a MF'in FF monster. You are now all seasonal human sacrifices. TheUnseen came to wreck and smash. That is what he intends to do. Legendary smack and unparalleled victory is the expectation. The rep grows bigga.

To get this ball rollin', D99's draft response will take a few moments to touch on a few different key events from draft day.

Pre-Draft: TheUnseen previously decided to avoid drafting any Dallas players as the price of drafting all Cowboys is inflated in the mind of the don. None were present in his predraft rankings, and none were chosen. He also threw on the classics with bump and got high as a motherfucker.

Early Rounds: Several played it safe with QBs as first picks, all except the Detroit Larrys, who took (gasp) Matthew Stafford at the 8 spot, then followed it up with another risky early selection in Marshawn Lynch. Both guys are 1 season removed from unquestionably (see also: coincidental, uncharacteristic, unlikely, statistical aberration thereof) career fantasy bests last season, but aside from the fact that I doubt either will duplicate their numbers, both maintain an injury risk label. And to be honest, neither are TRULY that great to warrant top picks. Maybe good later round selections but 1st and 2nd round? No thank you. Yet Larry continued rolling the dice with Andre Johnson as his 3rd pick.  can u dig it tossed high investment into Matt Ryan in the 5th, eating up that bowl of hype and drafting said QB ahead of the likes of established fantasy producers like Vick (great random buy in the 6th by auto-picking Nemisis), E. Manning, Rivers, and Romo. More than likely he probably could have grabbed him in the 6th anyways, but that's what you do when you went a fellow. You Reach.

Unseen's first 6 picks: rb/rb/rb/wr/wr/qb, investing in Peterson with the 3rd pick highly suspect indeed, especially after drafting 2 consecutive backs, unless this is a long term investment (it is) planning on numbers from AP in the later weeks onward (precisely). A mad scientist in the lab. There is depth at WR this year and very few sure things after Megatron with many pass happy offenses. Colston and Brandon Lloyd fall to D99 in the 5th and 6th, great quality buys at the price. Colston's numbers at minimum should be equivalent to last year given the departure of Meachem and the emergence of Graham, the legitimate #1 target in the prolific N.O. passing game. Graham will draw defenses and Colston should enjoy a fantastic season in the possession receiving role and marquee 3rd down/red zone target. Meanwhile: 966 and 5. Lloyd's numbers in the woeful passing offenses in St. Louis and Denver last season with a half-injured QB and one who simply can't throw passes for his life. At minimum he has 1,100 yds and 8 tds playing with Brady and the easiest schedule in the NFL this year.

Mid Rounds: Pick philosophy shifts toward sleepers and guys with upside and/or associated risk. Or at least that's how it should go. However, in the 7th round we saw 2 kickers and a highly touted defense chosen by the halfway mark of the round (looking at you Jew Brees, can u dig it sucka, DESTROY JEW BREES). San Francisco's defense or a kicker of any kind will not win you a fantasy championship, but a sneaky good pick like Torrey Smith at the 9 spot (Butt Munchers) just might. Meanwhile, Larry invested in another Lion (poor Larry), and half the picks in the next round were again defenses. Unseen grabbed crucial handcuff Ben Tate in the 8th, a virtual lock for massive points if Foster goes down at any point, given the prowess of the Texan line and emphasis on the run game. 4 more kickers then went in the next round (again? seriously?), but two more sneaky good picks with can u dig it sucka's Jacob Tamme (I tried to predict his pick with my own) and Butt Muncher's taking of up-and-coming rb David Wilson of the Giants.

Late Rounds: Griffin III opened the 11th (good autopick), DESTROY JEW BREES grabbed an unprecedented 2nd TE in the 12th with Jermaine Gresham (has to be a joke?) while can u dig it sucka took sad sack of shit Beanie Wells and invested in arguably the best current incarnation of the worst offensive line ever assembled. He may just make up for that pick with his snag of Blackmon in the next round, although that depends entirely upon the QB play in Jacksonville (w/ or w/o MJD), something I've no faith in. Larry took the Detroit defense (no surprise) and Butt Munchers rounded out the late selections with more sneaky good picks in Kendall Wright and  C.J. Spiller, then took Toby Gerhart (white running back anyone?) who is most likely waiver fodder for a kicker he never selected.

Given the nature of the draft then, the projected order of runners up in the league is as follows:

10th Place: Butt Munchers
I google image searched "butt munchers" and this is what I got:

I think the images speak for themselves. Easily a 1,000 words each. He is clearly going to be league bitch this season. Congratulations. Now go tie my shoe.

9th Place: Steelers Rule
Undisputed, top candidate for the "most likely to never set his lineup because he joined a league and forgot" award for the season. First pick in draft and not present. Nice. Maybe he'll win half his games due to randomly aligning fortunate moments (could be as soon as week 2, favorable matchups w/Carolina at N.O. and Foster at Jacksonville). But he'll still do better than Butt Munchers.

8th Place. DESTROY JEW BREES
Right off the top: MJD in the 2nd round with the 5th pick, basically giving away weeks 1, 2, and possibly 3. Look I love the dude as much as the next. I've had him on crucial, fantasy championship winning teams in the past. But he ain't touched a ball in a legit practice all preseason, let alone a game. I don't care how fresh ol' boy is, you practice how you play. And if you ain't practicing for real, you ain't playin for real. Or maybe you just didn't know he is holding out, which I guess is the best excuse which could be given in this case.

That aside, let's talk name here. For all you knuckleheads who aren't aware of a connection yet, there is another dude in the league with the team name Jew Brees (to be discussed later). Basically he modeled his name after a previous member in the league. What a great idea!

I see your name backfiring on you. #epicfail

7th, 6th, 5th Places: Some random smattering of Muddogs, under dogs, and Nemisis
I wouldn't have much respect nor faith in these guys, even if they showed up for the draft, given the character of their chosen team names: one is just plain weak, the other completely misspelled, and the last an admission of being inferior. I'll let you figure it out. All of them look like they were created by 12 year old kids who just made their first yahoo accounts and signed up for fantasy football. By the way, every one of them are runners-up candidates for the "most likely to never set his lineup because he joined a league and forgot" award. But all will still do better than Butt plugs.

4th Place: Jew Brees
Originality in name? Check. Maybe. But it works. He'll make the playoffs and get stomped in the first round by yours truly. Children will win spelling bees and parking tickets will be issued. A minor footnote will be made.

3rd Place: THE DETROIT LARRYS
Not sure if the guy's name is Larry or if he knows a crew of Larrys but the idea of naming your team after yourself (or the plurality thereof) is kind of humorous in the same way as watching one of your friends take a stupid dare which may very well end up in physical injury. And the Larry side of it fit. Like, if dude's name was Colin, it wouldn't have quite the same ring to it. Or names like, Ahmad, John, or Charles. Well, actually, THE DETROIT CHUCKIES might work in the same fashion. Anyway, Larry seemed to have a decent draft, but he has put a lot of faith into Stafford and Co. It is never a good recipe for fantasy success to tie your fortunes to one team. But maybe there is some pity and a soft spot in Unseen's cold, grizzly bear heart for presumably being a Lions fan. Ok Larry. Good luck to you.

2nd Place: can u dig it sucka
Congratulations. You are top bitch. You are just a bit better than the rest. I might pay a little more attention to you. Seems like dude named himself after the trademark of this guy:

No really. Here it is.

The scouting report says he has 5 fantasy teams this year and his best finish ever is 2nd place. Seems like he's really out for it this season. Well sucka, it's a good thing you've got 4 other chances to win something because you certainly won't in this league. After it is all said and done, I suggest you retire the name "can u dig it sucka" because you'll surely not want to use it again after the season long smack down is wrought upon you. Henceforth your new name will just simply be "sucka".


Until next week. Unseen out.