It's time to catch up on some action from the past few weeks, after D99 got caught up chillin with a homeboy lieutenant who came through town. Weeks 9, 10, and 11 are concluded, and the hike to the top of Everest has just reached high altitude base camp. After a close victory over DESTROY JEW BREES and a set back in week 10, Unseen's crew stand poised like expert sherpas ready to guide D99 to the summit. So take your equipment back to the store, Unseen don't wanna hear that weak shit no more.
In regard to the week 9 win, D99 was pushed to the limit on the Eagles v. Saints Monday Night Football game, all the way down to the last minute. In retrospect, the turning point in the matchup literally hinged upon three plays in the 1st half:
With Pierre Thomas in DESTROY's lineup, 1st-10 on the Eagles' 10, Brees handed off to Thomas who took it 9 yards and was poised to break the plane for 6 on some nail-in-the-coffin type shit until the Eagles David Sims literally pulled him backward and down at the 1 as Unseen yelled "stop that boy!" at the TV.
Oh so close...
On the very next play, the Saints ran play action and Brees connected with Colston (who used the referee to find separation from Asomugha) for the 1 yd score. -6 for DESTROY JEW BREES. +6 for D99.
Lastly, after a beautiful completion dropped into Colston (covered tightly again by Asomugha) to bring N.O. to the Phi 17, Brees fumbled during a sack by the Eagles Brandon Graham, resulting in -2 for DESTROY and giving enough padding to maintain the lead for the win.
All in all, it was a well scripted victory, adding a bit of sting to the bite inflicted upon the then 1st place team, putting the motherfucker in check and clearing the way for D99 to step on up. Why you fools wanna battle with kids with steel tongues? Butt Munchers appears to be hell bent on throwing banana peels in the street trying to slip up the King cruisin on his chopper. No matter. This salad tossin hoe is only prolonging the inevitable- Unseen remains steady crafting bars like jewels to bring to the market and strike it rich with the hardware.
Meanwhile, league standings have been mixing and shuffling and 7 teams remain in the hunt for playoff positions. Jew Brees is back in this bitch- after being matched up for the 2nd time with his arch-rival, he avenged his earlier loss and pressed him flatter than a piece of matzo. Amazingly, autoplay muddogs sits above .500 after stealing a win from Nemisis, a 7-4 squad tied up with DESTROY JEW BREES. D99 got another chance to sucker-punch suckadickasaurus, who actually bothered to update his lineup but still lost by a measly 3 points. The field is now more crowded than clowns in a volkswagen.
It's time to spit some truth to yal space monkeys now that the trade deadline has passed. For three solid weeks, Unseen put up Adrian Peterson and Dwayne Bowe for DESTROY JEW BREES' Peyton Manning and Brandon Marshall. This trade would have resulted in an positive +28 points for DESTROY compared with the +4 points for D99, and DESTROY still didn't have the sense to realize that having Manning on his bench while he is rolling with rbs like Pierre Thomas and Felix Jones (limited shelf life there homie) will not help his cause. What is perhaps most interesting about this situation is the fact that dude didn't even have the balls to respond to the offer. Denying a trade is one thing. Acting like you don't see it altogether is quite another. Look, we know Unseen is on some alpha dog running-the-pack type shit, but where is your manhood yo?
Who snatched that shit?
To begin, the pickup of Peterson alone makes it worth it- especially given the fact that he is on pace for his best season ever. Secondly, given the shape of your team, you cannot (actually, fuck that- WILL NOT) win a league by denying other teams points through keeping players on your bench. Look, you're simply not in a position to make a call like that given your lack of talent at the most important position in fantasy. AP has the ability to carry your output for BOTH slots on a weekly basis. But you didn't even think about this. If nothing else -really- this was your opportunity to stick it to D99 with a stamp of "denied" and a chance to lay some vicious words into the cut. Instead, let it be known to the world:
You did nothing.
Unseen faces off against Stealers Rule this week and stands a good chance to lay a few head shots on the competition and solidify his playoff position- he's already kicking back and enjoying some victory L's and brews. Jew Brees has a tough matchup with Butt Munchers, who has some favorable plays with Doug Martin (ATL at home), C.J. Spiller (at Indy), and Brady at a Revis-less Jets. Sucka pairs against a surging Larry Turner, who looks to be in good shape as long as he plays Dez Bryant over a benched Titus Young, and inserts Minnesota's D off the bye (against a weak Chicago offense) for the Giants D against Green Bay. Nemisis1 might as well be on the bye this week, as he faces empty shell under dogs (autowin kthx), and DESTROY JEW BREES takes on a Gronkowski-less muddogs...both are sure to enjoy their Thanksgiving feasts. Get it while you can.
Battle axe rap. Ain't been like none of these bitches, as far as Unseen can remember. Week 8 finished and another matchup where a QB stunk up the joint. And what a surprise it was- another Phillip Rivers stinkbomb against a hapless Cleveland. One might have given the man a little credit considering the Sunday conditions related to Hurricane Sandy, but not D99. It is time to acknowledge for the moment that this Chargers team is not an early OR midseason squad known for monster fantasy production. The only thing keeping them respectable is the fact they play in such a terrible division. The NFC west got their shit together 2 seasons ago. Why is the AFC west still sputtering along? Is it because the Chiefs, Chargers, and Raiders are still peeing their pants like it's cool? Could it be that this division simply represents the worst collective management in the NFL? In the lead up to Thursday night's game with the Chargers and Chiefs in San Diego, Fire Norv Turner was trending on twitter. The sentiment carried over into the game even when it turned into a rout.
All of this is to say, that despite a 31-13 blowout, Rivers still managed to throw a pick and keep his fantasy production in the mid teens. If the Chargers are going anywhere this year, defense will have to carry them because their QB now has his switch turned on to the "bitch mode" setting. Phillip Rivers, You're Fucking Out. Take a seat.
In other league news, Larry Turner recorded his first win in a convincing blowout over Stealers Rule, being on the receiving end of fine days from Stafford, Crabtree, and Marshawn Lynch. And although it did help that Stealers started two players on bye, Detroit Larrys could potentially morph into a spoiler team given favorable matchups in the next coming weeks for Stafford against Jacksonville, Minnesota, Green Bay (home), and Indy. He runs into Jew Brees this week, who managed to claw his way back to .500 after a .06 point victory over under dogs which ran all the way down to the final whistle in the Monday night game between the Cardinals and 49ers- a game which, by the way, essentially was a snore fest where the biggest highlight was Randy Moss actually catching some passes (and a TD!).
This week, Butt Munchers and Sucka are going to slug it out, after both put up 100 points in week 8. Unseen draws DESTROY JEW BREES after he slid down into second place following a loss to Munchers. The top end of the standings and the coveted playoff spots are still completely up for grabs among 7 different teams, a situation which is due to shake itself out in the coming weeks. As the November 16 trade deadline approaches, the opportunity to swap currency will soon be coming to a close. Time to either put your chips up or stand pat. It is definitely fair to say that EVERY team could make improvements to maximize their scoring potential
Speaking of the parking space holder, DESTROY JEW BREES still hasn't solved his RB crisis with MJD out, still actin' more ignant than the dudes rhymin on "Bandz A Make Her Dance". And since we're on the topic, is there a whacker rapper makin $$s right now than 2 Chainz? Every verse Unseen hears from this dude sounds like some shit the modern-day "Mr. Bojangles" Soulja Boy wrote BEFORE he did "Crank That" and found some fucking clothes that fit. We ain't even mentioned the fact this dude looks like a damn human condor (the female version), or dresses like your aging hipster uncle who listens to the whack music today's teens are copping just so he could say he's "Up On Shit".
2 Chainz on the way to the studio to record another set of weak-ass bars
One phone just ain't enough...
Pretty sure this shit wouldn't even fly during the 80's...
D99 has a feeling 2 Chainz is going to end up being like all these other busted-ass rappers like Fabolous or Chamillionaire or Bow-Wow who REFUSE to go away into obscurity (where they belong) because the 10-13 year old demographic will continue to buy their shit and keep their careers alive. Sort of like the way DESTROY JEW BREES keeps managing to hang around despite the reality that his squad is the fantasy equivalent of the pink slime McDonald's was mixing into their beef to add weight to their burgers. Unseen bout to get his grub on.
Another week, another progression. Certain fools are still making Unseen's task even easier by essentially forfeiting match ups. Feelin' themselves because they fed on some damned creampuff teams early on and think they can simply cruise to victory. Ain't no cruising on this block homies- unless you ridin' with D99. And D99 doesn't roll with those folks who seem to think winning ain't everything. That's some loser talk yo. Maybe when its all through, yal losers can get together and have a pow-wow around the campfire with your hot dogs and baked beans and marshmallows and chocolate and graham crackers and sticks and ghost stories and shit, and reminisce on those times when you actually mattered because you temporarily occupied a decent position in the standings.
Mmm, these smores sure do make me feel better about failure!
This is that ignorant shit you love. Fuck shit ass hoe ass trick mark ass busted ass punked-out vulture ass fiends. You're elephants lost in the Sahara. You're broke ass '95 Ford Escorts. Weak ass '93 Plymouth Sundance bitches. Just a bunch of actors lookin at yourselves in the mirror backwards.
Seven weeks down, and it's time to drop some bars and evaluate the current mid season situation. In keeping with all honesty and sincerity though, this really is and has been a one horse race. BUT, for the sake of humoring the masses and keeping it interesting, D99 will look down from his throne and give a top-down interpretation on the state of the league. In no particular order.
Nemisis1
Greatest Accomplishment: Successfully avoiding D99 until week 8; only facing D99 once Power Animal:Snarf Current Rank:First Circle of Hell
Synopsis: Firstly, did this dude change his name? Like, change his name from Nemisis to Nemisis1, or is Unseen just literally making shit up in order to talk shit? Maybe this real or fictional name change represents the turnaround in league performance. After spending the first few weeks in digital coma, Nemisis resuscitated his fantasy standing, got his shit together, and now resides in playoff contention. Congrats hoe. Go have yourself a mint chocolate chip cookie and some milk.
After dropping a 140 point bomb on Butt Munchers in week 7 curtesy of a ridiculous Chris Johnson performance from who-the-fuck-knows-where, Nemisis might have some steam going forward if, you know, Josh Freeman continues to pass for 400 yards and 3 TDs a week, CJ2K consistently puts up 30 pts, Hakeem Nicks shakes off his injury bug, Percy Harvin doesn't come down with any mysterious migraines, and the Cowboys don't self implode/lose an effective Tony Romo via excessive turnovers or a bitchmade injury. Was it mentioned that dude's best player is the Chicago Bears defense? And you expect to be taken seriously? Fuckouttahere. D99 has eaten burritos bigger than you.
Larry Turner AKA formerly known as THE DETROIT LARRYS
Synopsis: What the hell happened to these Lions this season? After looking semi-legit last year and displaying some potential, they now sit 2-4 in last place in the NFC North. Could it have been a fluke? Is Megatron not the utterly dominant force we believed him to be at the start of the season (16th among WRs)? Was Matthew Stafford overrated at the beginning of the season? Does the team completely lack any semblance of a run game? Is their defense (and squad as a whole) still young, immature, and lacking in veteran leadership? Will they make the playoffs again in the next 20 years? Is Larry truly worthy of insult after being defeated in week 7 by a mere 4 points plus change using fill ins on the bye week?
Truth is, week 7 had been circled on Unseen's calendar since draft day, due to excessive overlap of bye weeks among starters on the roster. Progression through weeks 1-6 very much revolved around preparing and fielding a squad capable of a W in week 7. It just so happened the Larry matchup coincided with this hurdle. It's not your fault Larry. Well, really it is, but you can't be blamed for being a Lions homer. You're just trying to root for your boys. Best believe D99 wants to see you take some wins and break some souls the remainder of the season. Its not too late to blow shit up.
Stealers Rule, under dogs, Muddogs
Greatest Accomplishments: Remaining relevant in the fantasy picture despite never updating their lineups. Power Animals: Care Bears Current Location: The netherrealm.
Synopsis: With a combined record of 8-13, this group of whackness personified exists solely to fill the role of spoiler. Given limited success thus far, other players are due to drop games to the crew somewhere along the way- especially after the byes end when their starting lineups will be playing every week. D99 Phillip Rivers already handily succeeded in accomplishing this feat in week 6 when he merely needed to throw for 200 and toss a couple TDs and instead lost 2 fumbles and served up 4 picks in a MNF performance that even had Steven Tyler calling it ugly.
Aaaaand speaking of whack QBs, the implosion of the vaunted Ravens D is just about the biggest blow that could have been dealt to all offensive Raven players. It is already well established that they are terrible on the road. Now, without their defensive core to fall back on for possession play, this team's contender status is in pure jeopardy- and not getting the ball to Ray Rice consistently is only further hurting their chances. Falling behind early seems as though it will be the trend going forward for this squad, and if this is the case, Rice's value/upside has essentially been halfed. All of this is to say it is good to have depth at the RB positions.
But getting back to these busters, teams best be on the lookout going forward. Make sure you take your W's when you can get them- the next few weeks.
Jew Brees
Greatest Accomplishment: Clawing his way out of fantasy exile to force opponents to think twice about not setting their lineups against him. Power Animal: Sacrificial Goat Preferred Drink:Malibu Barbie
Synopsis: The record has been spun a few times by Unseen- after starting the season among the pile of recyclables that had been thrown out with the regular trash (on purpose? accident?), Jew Brees scored a major victory and has been on a roll since. Statistically speaking, he should have better odds at making a run at a playoff spot than underdogs, based on the fact that he actually updates and makes moves. He has a few assets, and though he lacks an RB with a punch, Vincent Jackson has been on a murder spree lately...and it just might continue: colder than a teenager playing Grand Theft Auto that boy is right now. A very underrated pick indeed, and this goes without saying it carried some considerable risk.
Jew Brees has favorable matchups the next two weeks (underdogs, Larry Turner), then starts around on the second swing back through the tougher part of his schedule. If he can win 3 of the next 4, and avenge his loss against DESTROY JEW BREES earlier this season, he'll have put in enough work to warrant serious attention as a contender for second place.
Synopsis: First off, Reggie Wayne has exactly 666 yards in 6 games this season. If that is not an omen, Unseen is unsure what else could be. Secondly, DESTROY JEW BREES could be facing a serious crisis in the coming weeks with an MJD injury- out indefinitely, no timetable for return ("3-4 games" says he)...and the fool doesn't have the fucking sense to pickup Rashad Jennings when his other options at RB are Kevin "Now-you-see-me-now-you-don't" Smith and Pierre "Third Saint in RB pecking order" Thomas. Dog, must you be smacked? Does Iceberg Slim need to be resurrected and transported back to 1950 just to pimp-slap some sense into your head? Does Kazaam need to materialize out of your late 1980's boombox with the tape deck and stomp your ass like a Pepsi can while talking in perpetual rhyme scheme? Does "fantasy guru" Matthew Berry need to call your house and tell you to wake the fuck up? You know what? Forget it son, do you.
Just know D99 is lurking like a croc waiting to bust your shit wide open. Go ahead bro, take that dip. Take the sip- the true predators enjoy the hunt. Unseen still maintains your wins are shit and truthfully speaking, your competition has been bitching out worse than Upham did in Saving Private Ryan. In all seriousness they're handing you a playoff spot so you can have your hopes shattered by a true G. Have fun with your dollar-store squad, clownalingus Rex.
Synopsis: In case the connection was not clear enough, that Saving Private Ryan reference was talking about you, captain flaccid. Unseen is convinced that Sucka's conflicts about his sexual orientation have also manifested itself among his fantasy performance. Son can't decide whether he's taking it or trying to give it. Following a 4 game win streak, he willingly allowed himself to get bent over and fucked by DESTROY JEW BREES, and D99 doesn't mean this in some glorious victory type shit- like conquering, colonizing, and missionary fucking type shit. No, kid got beat by ~50 points, and the victor only put up 93. Sucka gave it up, got beat AND set the league record for lowest points scored in a matchup AND largest margin of defeat, on some "Man, I got these cheeseburgers man, I'll suck yo diiiiick" type shit. On some behind the mail truck finger lickin' good type shit.
No pride brah. I hope you're not taking after your mother. If you were in nWo they'd fucking boot your sorry stank ass out the clique...oh wait a second, they actually DID.
Matter of fact, you in the corner now son. You on time-out now kid. Don't stare at anything except the crevice where the walls meet. Make sure you study that shit intently. First you wanna get your little game on with your nursery rhymes and shit, and then you proceed to allow one of your opponents to snowplow you? Dog, that shit is disgraceful.
Butt Munchers
Biggest Accomplishment: Winning week 1 Power Animal: Sloth Current Status: Still stuck in the shadow of D99's throne Synopsis: Butt Munchers recently picked up an Unseen castoff in Randall Cobb, a player drafted by the Don but dropped for a bye-week fill in. Munchers seems very willing to ride the Packer passing game through the bye week session. D99 is high on the stock of Cobb, who will continue to see targets, playing time, and points as long as Greg Jennings continues to be sidelined, a story which won't seem to go away. The disappearance of Jermichael Finley certainly hasn't hurt his cause either (wasn't he talking shit on Jimmy Graham and Rob Gronkowski earlier in the year?). On another interesting note, this is a contract year for Jennings, and even though he's not likely to leave the Pack, this situation is obviously not helping his future paycheck.
Unseen believes Muncher's record is an accurate reflection of the performance of his team. There is lights-out killer potential on the squad, but large question marks remain about nearly every player except Tom Brady. None are exactly known as established fantasy heroes, but Jordy Nelson is picking up and Doug Martin is emerging as a quite solid poor man's MJD. Torrey Smith is going to be as good as dead the rest of the season, but might still be playable at certain home games. This is a decent but mostly unspectacular and basically boring group.
D99 is eagerly awaiting the week 10 matchup so he can drop the hammer down like the motherfucking blacksmith he is. Butt Munchers is low like all the rest, still lookin up, but he needs to be put back into his place...and even though Larry Turner has last pretty much wrapped up, Butt Munchers has the distinct privilege of getting his shit fucked up late in the season, when wins mean just a little bit more with shit on the line. No doubt, Unseen will get on his Joe Pesci Casino shit with the pen. He will kill you, commit suicide, and kill you again.
Fuck the luck shit, strictly aim. Haters need to recognize this is domination by design- realize that you won't be fucking with this. Weak ass, merked ass dudes comin back around saying shit about the prose like the ownage is gonna stop. Is you crazy?
Dudes like Sucka remind Unseen of kids-who-got-picked-last-at-sports-in-the-park type shit. Like they're in the game, but just barely. They might think they are on something serious, but they're really more like the helplessly uncoordinated, un-athletic chubby kid who-eats-too-many-oreos and his mom forced the other kids to include him in the game type shit. You dudes are tribute to the GOD. Yal are such bitches, Dave Matthews sweet talks you out of your panties while you're home alone. Watching The Notebook makes you wet. You bitches keep chocolate in your man-purse to help cope with your cycle.
On the league tip, week 5 is done and finished and a situational logjam has manifested over 3rd position. As the bye week series continues, Butt Munchers and Larry meet in a shitshow special after both were crushed in their last matchups by Underdogs and DESTROY JEW BREES, respectively. Butt Muncher's marquee players have serious matchups issues with Brady at Seattle (kryptonite for opposing teams), Nelson at Houston (solid pass D), and Torrey Smith against Dallas coming off the bye. With Jimmy Graham out on bye week, Larry Turner may indeed be celebrating his coveted 1st win come Monday night. Rounding things out, D99 grabbed a W over Muddogs while Nemisis took a loss, and Jew Brees continued to climb out of his hole for the second week in a row with a win against Stealers Rule. Unseen has drawn underdogs after lifting his average weekly point total to 104 while simultaneously facing the 3rd most fantasy points against over this beginning 5 week stretch. A quick glance at the record book reveals some (slightly) advanced statistics related to progress so far: D99's weekly rushing output average is tops in the league, as is his receiving yards average and seasonal total, despite not drafting ANY receiver in the first 3 rounds. Fuck records, fuck your nursery rhymes; Unseen is crafting jewels from the shit you overlooked like a motherfucking wizard performing alchemy.
Butt Muncher's collection of rb's can't stand up to the Revolution
The Unseen flow is about to enter the prime, and all praise is due to the value-based drafting manifesto and strength of schedule analysis. He hasn't even been entertaining these whack-ass trade offers comin his way like peasants begging for food in the fields. On some DMX stop bein' greedy type shit. Yal ain't eatin like this. Butt Munchers offered up his whole team trying to get a taste of Jamaal Charles because his crew of flunkies assigned the running back position just ain't cutting it. Nemisis is experiencing the same crisis and he turned to Unseen for help hoping for a diagnosis, but all he ended up coming away with was a busted ass Rashard Mendenhall plucked from the waiver wire. D99 has been fielding so many trade requests he acquired a series of underlings to draft creative memo denial responses while he worked on the solution to solve the world's energy crisis. This shit is just too crazy to be fabricated.
One thing which is still left to be explained is just why the NFL celebrates breast cancer awareness month, out of all the possible humanitarian issues and causes they could take up. D99 thinks it happens to be a strategic excuse for these grown ass men to wear pink, in some sort of effort to draw away from the hyper masculinity of the sport itself. Like it's alright for men to wear pink, especially football players- it humanizes and sensitizes the individuals on the field to cater toward the females among a typically male dominated audience. What a fucking joke. Apply the situation to real life: those dudes that go out in pink polos are always unquestionably bitches, and it doesn't matter what they look like. This shit is entirely twisted backwards- like reclaiming pink and wearing the shit (which, technically, doesn't really have too many appropriate matches) is some sort of bold ass statement about your manhood. Here's a bold ass statement about your manhood: stop letting females determine your color palate. If the color of your shirt best matches a woman's nail polish, you should kill that shit right away, bag it up, and bring it to your nearest Salvation Army.
D99 could talk some shit on underdogs, but the digital vacant space ain't worth the time spent to craft this sentence. And really, neither is trolling on this bullshit (what the fuck is this?). Bill Bellamy what have you done lately? Man, they killed MTV Beach House in '93. What fucking cave hole in Fraggle Rock have you been hiding out in? You should have stayed there brah. Don't nobody want your lame ass jokes, let alone your mug staring them in the face when they log onto their fantasy leagues. It's not even humorous enough to draw a condescending Joe Biden laugh. On the other hand, these limp wristed league busters talkin shit just might be. Realize.
Holy Contributing To The Delinquency of Minors...Look who climbed out of the depths of fantasy irrelevance to conjure up a rainstorm during the fucking parade. Jew Brees has officially anointed himself as most unpredictable, putting up a record 120 offensive points (132 total) one week after setting the record for least amount of points scored in a week (58). Is this the beginning of a turnaround, or is Jew Brees destined to live out his season as the feast-famine candidate? Only time will tell.
Fumbling on what would have been a game-ending first down (Carolina recovered)
Punting on 4th and 1 in ATL territory when a first down would seal the game (1 minute left)
Stacking the box on the Falcon's subsequent 1st offensive play, instead of playing prevent D and dropping into coverage
Defensive pass interference on Julio Jones for a large gain
Allowing uncontested consecutive passes to the sidelines to close out the game and grant ATL field goal positioning for the game winning kick as time expired
Considering the play of their starters in preseason, as well as the pickup of Mario Williams, it is still hard to comprehend why this Buffalo D is as awful as it is...unless of course you consider the fact that they are Buffalo, one of those teams that just can't quite shake the shit stink off themselves regardless of what they do. The matchup with the Patriots turned into a blowout fairly early, with Ridley having a big day through a specific game plan designed to exploit the Bills nickel package. This helps to explain why Ridley was such a win last week, but likely can't be counted upon to dominate week to week even though one could argue the Pats don't utilize him as much as they probably should.
In the Chiefs-Chargers game, KC followed the Buffalo-stank blueprint (albeit in their own trademark fashion) and did virtually everything they could to give the game away via 3 INTS and 3 fumbles, including 2 very early ones by Jamaal Charles. Make no mistake- this quickly became a character game for Charles, and he stepped up with a nasty 34 yard TD where he reversed the play (got a block from Cassel?!) and took it to the house harder than this dude did the security guards in an urban sprint. He ended up delivering 19 points after logging negative stats early with his turnovers. All this leads toward saying this dude is the real deal and could end up as the next great Chiefs back as long as he doesn't get taken out again.
In other news, the first debate of the 2012 Presidential campaign aired, and Unseen is really uncertain as to why the media tried to build this up to be the next Kennedy-Nixon face-off (evidence here). Nearly every article covering the debate (pre/post) gave the obligated nod to the first televised debate ever, but was this due more to unrealistic attempts to make a character comparisons between participants, or an indication of overwhelming lack of substance when it comes to critically evaluating presidential debates? There truly is a severe shortage of parallels between the 1960 and 2012 races. In the aforementioned Atlantic article, the author suggests you evaluate winners and losers in the debate by putting your T.V. on mute as you watch. If this isn't a straight forward concession that the comments of the participants largely don't matter, D99 is no longer sure what else would be. And this author is supposed to be a political pundit?
The real memorable moment of the debate was the admission that Romney would pursue cutting federal funding for moderator Lehrer's job and attempt to kill Big Bird if elected president. The internet has already taken over. A bit more attention to the implications behind this comment reveal his proposed cuts won't kill Sesame Street, which survives largely on corporate funding. What he will kill is money (.00012% of the federal budget) used to support the smaller, more rural-based public broadcast stations which air PBS shows on television and NPR on the radio- schedules composed largely of education-based programing. But no matter- all you need to walk away from the debate thinking about is who literally looked the best. Even dictionary.com is emphasizing body-language observation during the debates...as if advising people to suspend critical thinking wasn't reinforced in society enough already.
In fantasy updates around the league, Butt Munchers enjoyed the benefit of another sorry ass showing by winning a blowout over muddogs. Stealers took a loss from sucka, having an incomplete roster which happened to be even more terrible than his opponent's. DESTROY JEW BREES continued a win streak over underdogs, and Larry Turner lost (again) to Nemisis. Heading into bye week #2, the league absentees still have unfilled lineups and are doing their best 2012 women's olympic badminton impressions. Rest of the year projections hold Stealers to finish 1st with a record of 11-3 (aka 10-0 the rest of the way). Stranger things have happened.
Unseen is set to lineup against Muddogs, who will be without the statistical services of Megatron and Tony Romo. Muddogs is so sad D99 is going to instead spend his time heaping some hate upon DESTROY JEW BREES, who must feel pretty good right about now as he holds a parking space for D99's throne.
You've got one last week of cakewalk before matching up against the real in weeks 6, 8, 9, and 10, a stretch which includes Nemisis, Butt Munchers, Unseen, and Stealers. 330 points against so far is pathetic. Minor league shit. Your 4-0 is fucking popcorn muscles bitch. Strength of schedule is the only thing keeping hope afloat for you right now, and though you might take one from Larry Turner, you're plain silly if you think you will win on the back of busted ass Frank Gore. That injury is coming soon boy: check the record.
The motherfucking show continues. Ain't no monkeys stoppin no slaughter. The roach is never dead.
D99 is climbing up through the rankings and ducking obstacles like Mario in Donkey Kong. Week 3 is through and shit is starting to settle out. After two straight weeks of havok and the largest blowouts, the standings are correcting themselves. All is well with the cosmos. Well, not for everyone. It is clearly time for Larry Turner and Jew Brees to shake things up. 0-3 is pushing the red button on making moves. The bye weeks have begun (Colts, Steelers), so the flakers and perpetrators are about to be exposed.
After the atrocity that was MNF (seriously, 8 sacks for Seattle?!), these scabs replacement refs are due to be walking out the door. It is funny to consider how the union busting American agenda is about to get its ass handed to it by a bunch of referees. While manufacturers and laborers are getting fucked over left and right (that is, if their jobs haven't already been outsourced) and teachers (and their unions) are getting blamed for all of society's ills, the guys in stripes in charge of our Sunday spectacle are about to win a serious pissing contest against the man through use of collective action. The NFL is such a huge business you'd think they would consider taking care of the people that run the show in the first place. Everybody is eatin. Why you trying to fuck things up?
On the fantasy front, take a look at the top tight ends three weeks in:
Vernon Davis
Tony Gonzalez
Heath Miller
Martellus Bennett
Jimmy Graham
Kyle Rudolph
Dennis Pitta
Rob Gronkowski
Brent Celek
Scott Chandler
Right on the heels of the god damned year of the tight end. Guess how many of these guys are on FA? After blowing 2nd round picks on the glorified blockers, it's time for everyone to come back down to Earth. This ultimately is and has been a position you count on for your bonus points. Your TEs will never carry you to glory; it is a position of comparative value. No doubt, having a 2011 Gronk or Graham is a big boost, but you can't draft expecting that production even if we are in the midst of a so-called tight end revolution. You knuckleheads need to realize Unseen keeps his ear to the ground. There are two huge historical factors counteracting what was seen last year (as elaborated upon by Bill Barnwell in mid August):
1. Defenses are due to adjust schemes as teams copycat the TE-heavy offense
2. Even the greatest tight ends had a short shelf life relative to their wide receiver peers, with exceptions like once-in-a-generation talents like Gonzalez and Antonio Gates
But, those extra TDs do help out from time to time though.
Speaking of tight ends, most argued a Hernandez injury would bolster Gronk's value, but Unseen doesn't feel that noise. The Pats O still isn't clicking (but it ain't bad either), most likely due to the change over in the offensive line. Receptions and targets are still up for grabs here, and don't forget they've got the easiest schedule in the NFL. This team still has Juggernaut Status written all over it- only a matter of time until they get there, just like its only a matter of time until Lloyd starts hauling in scores in bunches.
While the Buffalo D still hasn't come to fruition, that O-line is like plug-n-play with their rbs. Fred Jackson is returning, complicating a mix that was paying big dividends for Butt Munchers. Whether Jackson is a viable option for Jew Brees this week is solely up to him, but his rbs are looking thin otherwise. With Bradshaw back and some favorable matchups for his dynamite receivers, Muddogs is ripe for a W over Butt Munchers, who has stooped so low as to employ Cards backup Ryan Williams (everyone's sleeper pick in 2010) after the annual and inevitable Beanie "I eat shit" Wells injury occurred (hell you thinking?). Munchers is prepping for the move back down the standings where he belongs. DESTROY JEW BREES is also looking vulnerable for the first time this season with Wayne on the bench (great value pick), but he's got some favorable draws for his other shit WRs with Manningham at the Revis-less Jets and Santana Moss at Tampa Bay. And oh yea, he's playing absentee owner underdogs who currently has two starters on bye this week. It's gonna be a creampie special there.
From what nether region of the intarwebs do these dudes come from? Who the fuck birthed these digital mongoloids into existence? Out of what crevice between beastiality and tonka trucks has this foul anonymous turd sprang? Unseen is beginning to believe Sucka meant to do a bunch of mock drafts but accidentally ended up doing the real thing 8 times because he was too stupid to figure the shit out.
Jew Brees is next up on the slaughter buffet special AKA the red carpet to championship walkway AKA pleasure cruise to fantasy gold leisurely stroll, and D99 is looking forward to feasting on the matzah ball soup that is his hodgepodge patchwork fantasy team of has-beens and never-will-be's. Seeing as how he is currently 0-3, other more pressing matters have been occupying Unseen's attention, such as trimming the hedges, learning how to do shadow puppets, mastering the rock/paper/scissors technique, and monitoring the socio-political climate in the Middle East. In no particular order, pop snot. Do yourself a favor and save yourself the suspense by benching your lineup before Sunday. It's not going to matter anyway.
A word to the weak: You Can't Stop The Bum Rush. Unseen is back after laying a slap on Sucka worse than his mother did the time he cursed at her when he was 8. On another note, some weak ass punk bitch(es) made attempts to shut down the Smack, claiming this pulitzer prose to be spam. Aside from the fact that this was a flagrant violation of man laws 2, 6, and 32 ("don't be a bitch", "don't hate on someone doin it bigger than you", and "don't hate the player, hate the game"), there is definitely no stopping this train- irregardless of what ever personal feelings of inadequacy are aroused from the subconscious. D99 spits a complex venom.
You need to understand something: this is Newton's first law. An object in motion will remain in motion at the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. You hater bitches ain't that unbalanced force. Unseen's forward inertia is so strong it can't be stopped. When he takes his hands off the wheel the shit corrects itself. Haters trying to throw up roadblocks will get steamrolled. Gator don't play no shit.
Week 2 in the books and Sucka dropped a turd worse than Harry did in the broken toilet upstairs the night Lloyd gave him laxative before his date with Mary. The stank was so foul it was like he actually ate that dog's asshole and had his fantasy team shit it out into cyberspace. He failed worse than this guy. D99 thinks Sucka deliberately forfeited the match up ahead of time by playing Jennings when he was listed as out. Or maybe those other 8 fantasy teams have fucked his whole shit up. In either case, his contender status is officially erased from the books.
NFL's 2nd week brought the inevitable to the forefront: these replacement refs aren't going to cut it. It's really more about how much longer this will carry on. These boys can't control players on the field, let alone make calls consistently according to the actual rulebook. There were some true fuck ups Sunday to go along with a slew of fists thrown by players in front of refs with no penalties called either way. This was across multiple games, and the media is still not saying enough about it, despite the post game talk after Monday night. Steve Young was absolutely right about what he said. The NFL recognizes its product and knows it really doesn't matter in the end- they could have the worse refs in the world and we'd still watch. Probably.
Currently, the Giants have put a wrap on the Panthers in Carolina. Andre Brown doin his best C.J. Spiller impression with Bradshaw out, and he's sitting on waivers right now. The Giants on the road are beasts. What is truly bizarre is how the Cards are 2-0 after the upset at Foxboro. What is not bizarre at all is how much Cleveland sucks. Chicago got smacked up in Green Bay in a boring ass game that was really a great piece of evidence in argument of the position that Thursday night football is garbage. Plus the shit is shown on NFL network; it's not even a prime time station or network. Really, after combining play quality with the overall marketing strategy, it's almost like they're saying "who gives a fuck?" and holding the finger up to all marginal fans of the game. As in, the ones that watch and enjoy football but haven't or don't want to make the additional commitment to a specific package. Which by the way is likely 75% of fans. Now, if you got your NFL network as part of regular package, good for you. Overall, this is a testament to both the quality of this game and just how poorly the league can market itself while still raking in the dough and completely getting away with it.
In league news DESTROY JEW BREES snagged another win over his nemesis Jew Brees with a solid win. Unseen can't lie- he was really hoping Jew Brees would channel his inner Stigglitz / Bear Jew and knock one out of the park. He'll have another chance later on in the season. Meanwhile, Under dogs claimed victory over a seriously under performing Detroit Larrys
while Nemisis (who came to life and is makin moves) slid by Muddogs by
just under 3 points. Larry has Sucka this week, and could very well bag his first W. Rounding out the week, Butt munchers got dropped by another merciless high scoring performance from Stealers Rule, who actually was rewarded and won the matchup, leading to a face-off with D99 this week. So far his Panthers have underperformed. Whether the use of "stealers" instead of "steelers" is a deliberate pun or a very careless misspelling is yet to be determined. Until it is, contender status for runner up is still up in the air. Twain probably said it best: "The best swordsman in the world doesn’t need to fear the second best
swordsman in the world; no, the person for him to be afraid of is some
ignorant antagonist who has never had a sword in his hand before; he
doesn’t do the thing he ought to." Either way Unseen plans to demolish just him just like this Russian did Larry and Mike.
