To get this ball rollin', D99's draft response will take a few moments to touch on a few different key events from draft day.
Pre-Draft: TheUnseen previously decided to avoid drafting any Dallas players as the price of drafting all Cowboys is inflated in the mind of the don. None were present in his predraft rankings, and none were chosen. He also threw on the classics with bump and got high as a motherfucker.
Early Rounds: Several played it safe with QBs as first picks, all except the Detroit Larrys, who took (gasp) Matthew Stafford at the 8 spot, then followed it up with another risky early selection in Marshawn Lynch. Both guys are 1 season removed from unquestionably (see also: coincidental, uncharacteristic, unlikely, statistical aberration thereof) career fantasy bests last season, but aside from the fact that I doubt either will duplicate their numbers, both maintain an injury risk label. And to be honest, neither are TRULY that great to warrant top picks. Maybe good later round selections but 1st and 2nd round? No thank you. Yet Larry continued rolling the dice with Andre Johnson as his 3rd pick. can u dig it tossed high investment into Matt Ryan in the 5th, eating up that bowl of hype and drafting said QB ahead of the likes of established fantasy producers like Vick (great random buy in the 6th by auto-picking Nemisis), E. Manning, Rivers, and Romo. More than likely he probably could have grabbed him in the 6th anyways, but that's what you do when you went a fellow. You Reach.
Unseen's first 6 picks: rb/rb/rb/wr/wr/qb, investing in Peterson with the 3rd pick highly suspect indeed, especially after drafting 2 consecutive backs, unless this is a long term investment (it is) planning on numbers from AP in the later weeks onward (precisely). A mad scientist in the lab. There is depth at WR this year and very few sure things after Megatron with many pass happy offenses. Colston and Brandon Lloyd fall to D99 in the 5th and 6th, great quality buys at the price. Colston's numbers at minimum should be equivalent to last year given the departure of Meachem and the emergence of Graham, the legitimate #1 target in the prolific N.O. passing game. Graham will draw defenses and Colston should enjoy a fantastic season in the possession receiving role and marquee 3rd down/red zone target. Meanwhile: 966 and 5. Lloyd's numbers in the woeful passing offenses in St. Louis and Denver last season with a half-injured QB and one who simply can't throw passes for his life. At minimum he has 1,100 yds and 8 tds playing with Brady and the easiest schedule in the NFL this year.
Mid Rounds: Pick philosophy shifts toward sleepers and guys with upside and/or associated risk. Or at least that's how it should go. However, in the 7th round we saw 2 kickers and a highly touted defense chosen by the halfway mark of the round (looking at you Jew Brees, can u dig it sucka, DESTROY JEW BREES). San Francisco's defense or a kicker of any kind will not win you a fantasy championship, but a sneaky good pick like Torrey Smith at the 9 spot (Butt Munchers) just might. Meanwhile, Larry invested in another Lion (poor Larry), and half the picks in the next round were again defenses. Unseen grabbed crucial handcuff Ben Tate in the 8th, a virtual lock for massive points if Foster goes down at any point, given the prowess of the Texan line and emphasis on the run game. 4 more kickers then went in the next round (again? seriously?), but two more sneaky good picks with can u dig it sucka's Jacob Tamme (I tried to predict his pick with my own) and Butt Muncher's taking of up-and-coming rb David Wilson of the Giants.
Late Rounds: Griffin III opened the 11th (good autopick), DESTROY JEW BREES grabbed an unprecedented 2nd TE in the 12th with Jermaine Gresham (has to be a joke?) while can u dig it sucka took sad sack of shit Beanie Wells and invested in arguably the best current incarnation of the worst offensive line ever assembled. He may just make up for that pick with his snag of Blackmon in the next round, although that depends entirely upon the QB play in Jacksonville (w/ or w/o MJD), something I've no faith in. Larry took the Detroit defense (no surprise) and Butt Munchers rounded out the late selections with more sneaky good picks in Kendall Wright and C.J. Spiller, then took Toby Gerhart (white running back anyone?) who is most likely waiver fodder for a kicker he never selected.
Given the nature of the draft then, the projected order of runners up in the league is as follows:
10th Place: Butt Munchers
I google image searched "butt munchers" and this is what I got:
I think the images speak for themselves. Easily a 1,000 words each. He is clearly going to be league bitch this season. Congratulations. Now go tie my shoe.
9th Place: Steelers Rule
Undisputed, top candidate for the "most likely to never set his lineup because he joined a league and forgot" award for the season. First pick in draft and not present. Nice. Maybe he'll win half his games due to randomly aligning fortunate moments (could be as soon as week 2, favorable matchups w/Carolina at N.O. and Foster at Jacksonville). But he'll still do better than Butt Munchers.
8th Place. DESTROY JEW BREES
Right off the top: MJD in the 2nd round with the 5th pick, basically giving away weeks 1, 2, and possibly 3. Look I love the dude as much as the next. I've had him on crucial, fantasy championship winning teams in the past. But he ain't touched a ball in a legit practice all preseason, let alone a game. I don't care how fresh ol' boy is, you practice how you play. And if you ain't practicing for real, you ain't playin for real. Or maybe you just didn't know he is holding out, which I guess is the best excuse which could be given in this case.
That aside, let's talk name here. For all you knuckleheads who aren't aware of a connection yet, there is another dude in the league with the team name Jew Brees (to be discussed later). Basically he modeled his name after a previous member in the league. What a great idea!
I see your name backfiring on you. #epicfail
7th, 6th, 5th Places: Some random smattering of Muddogs, under dogs, and Nemisis
I wouldn't have much respect nor faith in these guys, even if they showed up for the draft, given the character of their chosen team names: one is just plain weak, the other completely misspelled, and the last an admission of being inferior. I'll let you figure it out. All of them look like they were created by 12 year old kids who just made their first yahoo accounts and signed up for fantasy football. By the way, every one of them are runners-up candidates for the "most likely to never set his lineup because he joined a league and forgot" award. But all will still do better than Butt plugs.
4th Place: Jew Brees
Originality in name? Check. Maybe. But it works. He'll make the playoffs and get stomped in the first round by yours truly. Children will win spelling bees and parking tickets will be issued. A minor footnote will be made.
3rd Place: THE DETROIT LARRYS
Not sure if the guy's name is Larry or if he knows a crew of Larrys but the idea of naming your team after yourself (or the plurality thereof) is kind of humorous in the same way as watching one of your friends take a stupid dare which may very well end up in physical injury. And the Larry side of it fit. Like, if dude's name was Colin, it wouldn't have quite the same ring to it. Or names like, Ahmad, John, or Charles. Well, actually, THE DETROIT CHUCKIES might work in the same fashion. Anyway, Larry seemed to have a decent draft, but he has put a lot of faith into Stafford and Co. It is never a good recipe for fantasy success to tie your fortunes to one team. But maybe there is some pity and a soft spot in Unseen's cold, grizzly bear heart for presumably being a Lions fan. Ok Larry. Good luck to you.
2nd Place: can u dig it sucka
Congratulations. You are top bitch. You are just a bit better than the rest. I might pay a little more attention to you. Seems like dude named himself after the trademark of this guy:
No really. Here it is.
The scouting report says he has 5 fantasy teams this year and his best finish ever is 2nd place. Seems like he's really out for it this season. Well sucka, it's a good thing you've got 4 other chances to win something because you certainly won't in this league. After it is all said and done, I suggest you retire the name "can u dig it sucka" because you'll surely not want to use it again after the season long smack down is wrought upon you. Henceforth your new name will just simply be "sucka".
Until next week. Unseen out.
